


High Enough

by Remlundskan



Category: New Kids On The Block
Genre: AU, Angst, Donnie works in an office, Drama, Drunken Confessions, Future Fic, Jealousy, Jon is a high school teacher, Lots of Angst, M/M, More angst, Sad, Sappy Ending, Sex, There will be a happy ending, True Love, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 03:03:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1535156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remlundskan/pseuds/Remlundskan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon and Donnie have been friends forever! Bestest buds! The fact that Jon was hopelessly in love with his bestest (and straighest) bud was a well kept secret... until Jon's 30th birthday. And then, suddenly, it wasn't a secret anymore. And that's when the problems started. Accepting that your best friend is in love with you is perfectly logical, even when you're drunk. Having really hot sex with said friend... not so much. Cue the angst!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

”Mama,” Maya’s voice was tinged with sadness as she came into the kitchen, clutching her beloved tiger Melody to her chest, ”granddaddy is sad!”

Beverly looked up from the potato she had been peeling and sighed heavily at the sight of her daughter.

“I know, baby, your granddaddy just needs to be alone for a while. Why don’t you go upstairs and watch the Lion King with your brother, and I’ll go talk to granddaddy, ok?

Maya looked even more sad, but she sighed, resigned and said:

“Ok, mama”, and walked towards the stairs, head down, hugging Melody. Beverly took a deep breath, exchanged a look with her husband that clearly said how much she hated this, and went out into the living room where her father sat on the couch, looking at pictures in an old photo album. She really hated seeing him like this. Always on this day, always, for years now! In a way she understood, she just wanted him to move on.

“Daddy D… You ok?”

“Yeah, baby, I’m fine, I was just thinking about some things. Is it time yet?”

“No! Uncle Mark called a few minutes ago from the airport. He said 45 minutes, at least…” She looked down at the picture he was currently staring at. She recognized almost every single person in that picture, even though she knew it was taken 35 years ago. The people in the photo were all smiling and had their arms around each other and above their heads was a big banner that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JON, BIG 30!!!

“Who’s that?” she asked, pointing at a handsome blond man she didn’t recognize.

“That’s Paul!” her father said with a wistful smile. He was a good friend of ours back in the day.”

“You all look so young!" Beverly pointed out, immensely thankful for the smile that appeared on her father’s face.

“Yeah, well, it was 35 years ago… we *were* young!”

“I know! Hey, who’s that blond girl?”

“That… is your aunt Reema!”

Beverly gaped at him.

“No way? Aunty Ree used to be blond?”

“Well… not for long!”

“Wow, uncle Danny looked buff!”

“Yeah, he was quite the health nut back then… Your uncle Joe used to tease him, mercilessly, about those diets of his, but…”

He grew silent. The smile, that had warmed Beverly’s heart for a few precious seconds, went from happy and reminiscing to miserable in two thirds of a second. She knew exactly what he was looking at… or, rather, who he was looking at!

“Is that…”

“Yeah! Yeah, it is!”

Beverly sighed. She was not gonna let him do this to himself again. Not this time. Determined, she sat down right next to him, placing her hand on his.

“Daddy… What happened that night?”

Donnie Wahlberg shook his head at his daughter.

“You’re too young, Bevvie, you wouldn’t under…”

“Daddy, I’m 34! Please? Just tell me!”

But Donnie wasn’t listening to her anymore. He was lost in memories.

 

 

 

Part 1

It was getting late. If there was one thing they all should have known, it was that a party at Jon’s apartment would always (and that was no exaggeration, either!) drag on into the wee hours of the morning. And when it was a birthday party, Jon’s 30th, to be exact, it seems to do just that and more. It was well past midnight when the last guests bid their farewells. One by one or, in some cases, two by two, they said one last Happy Birthday and headed home. 

They had turned off the music in the background in favor of stories from the past, and by now, it was just the birthday boy, his best friend Donnie, his little brother by 18 months, Jordan, and Jordan’s sweet girlfriend Reema. And then, there was Kirsty. Beautiful, fun, exuberant Kirsty, that made each and every one of Jon’s parties into a complete success. They were all set on continuing on the festivities a little while longer. That was the plan, up until Reema made a failed attempt to hide her third yawn in the last ten minutes. Jordan took the hint and said, with a voice that had been doing its fair share of shouting during the evening.

“I think it’s time for us to go home, bro! It’s almost…” He looked at his watch and groaned. “Jesus! Jon, we have to go! We can’t ask that poor girl to babysit for us all night!” Reema looked at her own watch and got up from her seat, yawning once more.

Jon gave them an absent wave. He was quite busy trying to see how many pretzels he could put on top of each other.

“Careful, Jonny, that one is really salty, it’s gonna be a bitch to get it to stay still!” Donnie pointed out, staring fascinated at the rather impressive pile of pretzels that Jon had built. His slurred speech was a clear indication that he had done some heavy drinking during the night. But really, he reasoned, how often does your best friend in the known universe turn 30? He was allowed to party!

Kirsty got up from her seat as well.

“I’m sorry, Jonny, I have to go, too! As fascinating as it is to watch you build a tower of pretzels, some of us do have to work tomorrow.”

“If you leave now, I’ll divorce you!” Jon said, not even looking up from his masterpiece. He was slurring quite a bit as well, but the way he saw it, you only turned 30 once and he was entitled to get drunk on his own god damned birthday.

Kirsty laughed at him.

“Sure you will, darling!” she said as she bent down to give him a kiss on the cheek, careful not to disturb his concentration. As she went out into the hallway to get her coat, Paul shot out from his seat.

“I have to go too, Jon, I’m really sorry!”

If Jon hadn’t been so engrossed with his tower, he might have given his friend a teasing look. A blind man could see how deeply in love he was with Kirsty. And if they could see that, they could also see that Kirsty didn’t feel the same way about him. Right now, though, Jon just waved his hand again, like a king who did not wish to be disturbed in his work.

Kirsty came back, putting her coat on. She didn’t even look at Paul.

“Don’t stay up all night, fellas! You’re not teenagers anymore!”

“You guys are such fucking sell-outs! Donnie muttered, and Jon nodded in agreement. “How many times does Jonny turn 30, huh? This is like… big and y’all are just gonna bail on us? That’s low! That’s really low! Come on, y’all can stay a little while longer and… We have to sing! We haven’t sung anything in a long time now!”

He made an attempt to stand up, taking a deep breath to start singing again, when Jon took hold of his arm and pulled him back down on his chair.

“No more singing, Ddub, please?” he begged.

Not being able to stand, however, didn’t mean that Donnie was unable to sing, which he did! Loud and clear and horribly off key.

Jon sighed, not taking his eyes of his pretzels.

“God, you really suck at singing!”

Donnie glared at him.

“Fuck you, Jon, you suck harder than me!” he said, blinking a few times and continued his glaring for a few seconds. Jon simply shrugged, a naughty smile on his lips.

“There’s a difference… I happen to like sucking!”

Kirsty squealed out loud and Jordan, who was standing in the hallway with Reema, groaned miserably.

“Too much information, bro!” he said.

Donnie laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair, flinging an arm around Jon’s shoulders.

“You’re so fucking awesome, Jonny, what the hell would I ever do without you?”

The hand, that was just about to put the final pretzel on the top of the tower, shook so violently that all the pretzels flew in every direction. Jon fought good and hard to keep his smile on his face. He’d had plenty of years to learn the easiest way to hide your true feelings for your best friend, so despite the alcohol, and the intimacy of having Donnie so close it was setting him on fire, he just smiled at the man. 

“You wouldn’t survive a day without me!” he said. He threw a quick, almost guilty glance up at Kirsty and saw that she was looking at him with nothing but love and something that might have been pity on her face.

“I think more than one has had a bit too much to drink tonight!” Paul said and Kirsty nodded, buttoning the last button in her coat. “Behave yourselves! And Donnie! You take a cab home, alright? I don’t want you out on adventures in your condition, is that clear?”

“Yes, mom!”

“I’m serious, Donnie!”

“Alright, alright, just go already! Y’all are killing the mood with all your… your… -Jonny?”

“Negativity?” Jon suggested as he was picking up his pretzels. He was thristy! He needed something to drink!

“Yeah, that’s it! Negat… Nag… So there!”

Kirsty rolled her eyes a bit at the two grown men, but left anyway. Paul followed like a little puppy. Donnie shook his head at them, but stopped when it felt like his head might come off. Sell-outs! Suddenly, he looked up, and cast an almost desperate look at his best friend.

“You’re not leaving too, are you, Jonny?”

Jon gave him an incredulous look.

“Well… No, Donnie, I live here! Besides, it would be bad form if the birthday boy went to bed before everyone had left, right?”

Donnie nodded enthusiastically and leaned in closer.

“You’re such a good pal, Jonny! I can always count on you!”

Jon raised an eyebrow, but said nothing! He was more than slightly intoxicated, and he knew from experience that he would suffer the effect of that intoxication the following day. And he knew two other things as well. He had a tendency to start blabbing when he was drunk and now, that Kirsty had gone, and there was no one left to save him from what would certainly become an awkward situation, there was the chance that he might out himself, hanging over him like a large grey cloud.

As soon as he heard the door close, he turned his head towards his oldest and best friend.

“You know something, Donnie, I really do think that’s enough for me! I’m gonna feel like shit in the morning and the place looks like a fucking battlefield. Kirsty is right, we’re not kids anymore. I’m not as… energetic as I was when I was 29!”

“Bullshit! I’m fifteen days younger than you and I can stay up all night long, if I want to!” He finished that sentence with a big yawn and quickly covered his mouth with his hand, as if he thought that he could cover it up. “You know, I stayed up for 46 hours once and that’s… That’s more than two days!”

“Yeah, but you were 16, that’s…” He tried to think, but his brain refused to do math in its weakened state, so he settled for:”… A long time ago!”

He got up and started taking away glasses and bottles from the table. Donnie got up the second after and started collecting the trash and empty bowls. He wasn’t particularly steady, though and he almost tripped in the threshold into the kitchen and would probably have dropped the crystal bowl that Jon got from his grandmother.

“What the fuck, D?! You’re fucking dangerous to be around when you’re hammered! Gimme that!”

Donnie raised an eyebrow. Jon almost sounded surprised. As if he didn’t know that Donnie got a case of bad coordination when he was drunk. They had only known each other since they were three years old. He put down the bowl and went over to the couch to clean up the mess.

“So… now that you’re grown up and responsible…” He grinned when Jon snorted in disgust. “…How about settling down? Find some nice guy to spend the rest of your life with? That bartender was totally checking you out, you know!”

Jon’s brain tried to conjure up an image of the bartender at the club where they had been earlier in the evening, and when he did, he cried out in horror.

“He was fucking bald, D! The only hair he had was his chest hair! Not exactly the image I want to see for the rest of my life, thank you very much!”

“Don’t be so fucking picky, Jonny! Whatever happened to that guy you were dating… Harley?”

“Nothing! And it’s none of your business!”

“Bullshit, I’m your best friend, we know all there is to know about each other, no secrets, for eternity, remember? So, tell me! What was wrong about Harley?”

“Nothing was wrong! Harley was great! We just decided that we should be just friends!”

“You mean you decided!”

Jon stopped, so suddenly that Donnie walked right into him, almost dropping the bag of chips on the floor. He glared at Jon once more, who glared back, as well as someone can, when everything around him is blurry.

“Dude, what the fuck?”

”What the hell are you talking about?”

“What? You mean about Harley? Oh, come on, Jonny, gimme a break! Ever since you came out, you haven’t had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. There’ always an excuse, like you’re gonna be just friends, or… he wasn’t a Sox fan… Or how about that poor guy that you dumped after a week, because he *might* cheat on you!” 

“Mike? Donnie, Mike left his boyfriend because he was having an affair with me! Who’s to say he wouldn’t do that again?”

“My point is, that if you don’t get your shit together, you’ll wake up one day and you’ll be 80 and you’ll be in your apartment, alone, feeling sorry for yourself.”

“You’re not exactly known for your long term relationships either, Ddub!”

“That’s different! I just haven’t met the Perfect Girl yet!”

“What about Maryanne?”

“Maryanne dumped me, remember? That wasn’t me!”

“You slept with her sister!”

“They were twins! She seduced me! You, on the other hand… You met the One already! Harley was perfect for you and he worshipped the very ground you walked on, you know that! So what happened?”

“Let it go, Donnie, alright? I’m too tired to…”

“Tough, you don’t have a choice! It’s my duty as your best pal and your brother to the end of days to harass you until you fess up! Or do I have to tickle you into submission?”

A part of Jon’s subconscious really enjoyed playing with the thought of being tickled by Donnie. And maybe that was why he decided that he couldn’t stay quiet anymore.

“It just wouldn’t be fair! There’s nothing wrong with Harley, it’s just that… Ok, here’s the deal! I’m in love with… someone, alright? I’ve been in love with him… practically since I came out and every guy I see is just a bad substitute for someone I can never have. I know we will never end up together, but it’s not right, to Harley or to anyone, for that matter, if I’m constantly thinking about someone else and… If I can’t give someone my whole heart, that there’s no point in trying. I know it sounds…”

“Pathetic?” Donnie suggested with a crooked grin.

“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘sad’, but yeah, I’ll go with ‘pathetic’!”

“Alright, so why will you never end up together? Is he seeing someone else? You want me to go have a little chat with him?”

“It doesn’t matter, Donnie, he’s not only straight, he’s one of my best friends and I could never live with myself if I… did something and he… turned his back on me. I would rather he never found out. I’d rather have him as a friend, then lose him because I tried to… seduce him, or something.”

“What the fuck? If he turns his back on you, then he’s no fucking friend, he doesn’t deserve you! You’re fucking gold, Jonny, you deserve the best! I’m gonna have a talk with this asshole, how dare he treat you that way? I’m gonna bash his fucking teeth in!”

Jon’s heart was crying. How would he ever survive without Donnie? There was no better man and no one could ask for a more loyal friend. If he lost Donnie, because of his feelings, he would never forgive himself.

“He doesn’t know, Ddub! I never told him!”

Donnie nodded, thoughtful, and then, a mischievous smile appeared on his lips.

“Who is it?” He finally asked. Jon gave him a hard look and went into the kitchen with the rest of the dishes. Donnie’s grin got even wider. “Oh, come on, Jonny, I tell you everything about the women I fall for. It’s only fair! Come on, you know I’m not gonna stop nagging you until you tell me, so tell me!”

“No, Donnie!”

“Chicken shit! FUCK! It’s Paul, isn’t it?”

”It’s not Paul!”

”Well, good, because he’s got the hots for Kirsty, you know! Is it Mark?”

“Are you serious?”

“What, my kid brother isn’t good enough for you?”

He really wasn’t going to stop! When the kitchen and the living room looked somewhat cleaner, Donnie had crossed a list of every guy that Jon had ever encountered in his life, including a few that they hadn’t even seen since they were in pre-school. Jon’s head was pounding and he was running out of patience. If Donnie didn’t shut his mouth soon, Jon was going to have to do something… drastic.

“I’ve GOT it! It’s Joey, isn’t it?!”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Come on, the guy is hung like a horse, you have to admit that you’ve thought about…”

“Ok, stop talking, for the love of God, stop talking!”

“Tell me and I’ll stop!”

“Cut it out, ok, D?”

“What? There’s no one left! I’ve mentioned every guy you know…”

“Not everyone!”

Donnie looked puzzled. He, who was usually so clever, had severe problems with drawing obvious conclusions when he was drunk, Jon knew this. He probably shouldn’t have said anything, but it was so fun, and so sad, to see the way Donnie fought to find the right name.

“You forgot about one!” he said in a low voice and went over to the bar to fix himself something strong. He had a feeling that he was going to need it, once Donnie managed to add two and two together.

“Who?”

On the other hand, Donnie wasn’t very quick when he was drunk. Jon stood, waiting, taking a deep breath. And then, he met Donnie’s eyes and waited for the other shoe to drop.

He could literally see the wheels starting to turn in the right direction and suddenly, Donnie’s eyes went impossibly huge. All there was left to do now, was wait for the explosion. Jon took another deep breath. Any second now…

There was no explosion! Donnie stood still, right in the middle of the living room, staring at him. Jon sighed.

“Say something!”

”So… You… But I… How long have…” He never finished, but Jon heard it anyway. ‘How long have you been in love with me, Jonny?’

“Does it matter?” he asked. Fuck, this wasn’t happening, this had to be some kind of cruel nightmare. He couldn’t take it! He couldn’t lose Donnie!

“Does it… You said that… Since you came out. Jon, that’s fifteen years ago!”

Yeah, he was well aware of this fact. To be honest, it was a lot longer than that, but he wasn’t about to tell Donnie that. He had to draw the line somewhere. And telling his best friend that he had been hopelessly in love with him since the tender age of twelve? No, it was bad enough that he knew now!

“You’ve been carrying this inside… all this time?”

Jon shrugged. He wasn’t gonna tell Donnie that Kirsty knew. There was no real love lost between Donnie and Kirsty, so yeah, yet another thing that he never told his best friend.

“You should have told me!”

Jon laughed, but it was a joyless laugh. Seriously? He might be in love with the guy, but he wasn’t a complete idiot.

“Told you what? Donnie, you’re my best friend in the world, I wasn’t gonna jeopardize that, just because I happen to be… just because I happen to have certain… feelings… for you”, he finished meekly.

Donnie took a few steps closer. Apparently, he had no idea what close proximity to a loved one did to an intoxicated person with no barriers left.

“Jeopardize? Jon… You’re the best friend I have ever had! You’re closer to me than my own family, I would die for you, you know that! Did you really think that I would turn my back on you if I found out?”

They were so close that they could feel each other’s breath on their face. Jon cursed himself over and over for feeling what he did when Donnie stretched out his hand and touched his cheek.

“After everything we’ve been through, did you really think that I would hurt you like that? There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you! And you know… You know!... how much you mean to me!”

Oh, he knew! And he relished in the feeling of Donnie’s hand on his cheek. Not caring about any consequence, he wrapped his arms around Donnie’s neck and kissed him, made sure to put his whole soul, and the full strength of his love into that kiss…

Until he finally regained his senses and took a few steps back, his hand covering his mouth. Oh, he fucked up now! Eternal Friendship or not, there was no way that Donnie would ever forgive him for that! There were rules, he KNEW that there were rules… and he just crossed every single one of them. It was lost now! He was lost now! He was well and truly fucked, he knew that!

Donnie didn’t say anything! He was just staring at Jon.

“Shit… Donnie, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“Shut up!”

And then, the world was turned upside down and Donnie was abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone and the apartment was filled with hundreds of hidden cameras… Because the next thing he knew, Donnie had taken the remaining steps towards Jon, closing the distance between them, pulling him close… And then, they were kissing!

Donnie! Kissing him! Kissing! On the lips! And… was that a tongue? Jon’s poor drunk brain couldn’t keep up with current events. It was just too much brand new information. It was just too much! This was something that wasn’t supposed to happen! Donnie was kissing him! His best pal Donnie was standing in the middle of the living room, kissing him, as if he’d never done anything else and Jon’s subconscious quietly wondered why Jon didn’t pull away and tried to get Donnie to stop.

But how could he? When he himself didn’t understand what was going on. He tried to make his arms move to push Donnie away, but they seemed to have other plans. They held on to Donnie’s waist, refusing to let go. He didn’t even have the energy to fight it. Why should he? This was exactly what he had always wanted, what he had dreamed about since he was a boy. This was the biggest thing to happen since he came out of the closet. And once he thought about that, and he congratulated himself on actually thinking a full sentence, Donnie attacked his neck with lips and teeth and tongue and Jon’s brain went to sleep. There was nothing more it could do here.

Jon tried to say something, anything, tried to somehow attract Donnie’s attention, but the only thing that slipped passed his lips was a low moan, that in no way could be classified as a word in any spoken language. He was painfully aware of his growing erection, and tried one last time to keep some shred of dignity by pushing Donnie away… when Donnie put his hands on Jon’s ass and pulled him closer. And holymotherofgodinheaven, Donnie was as hard as he was.

Jon’s brain woke up for a second or three to try and digest that particular piece of information, but it didn’t make any sense, it didn’t add up to what it already knew about Donnie, so it went back to sleep, allowing Jon to act on animal instinct alone.

He should have said something! He should have objected! This was probably the dumbest thing he had ever done. And there were a whole lot of really good reasons as to why this was the dumbest thing he had ever done. He just couldn’t think of one at the moment. Because Donnie had somehow maneuvered them both over to the couch. Donnie had ripped off his shirt and was working on the buttons in Jon’s.

This was really happening! How was that even possible? Did it even matter? He finally had life back in his hands and removed Donnie’s from his buttons. But instead of taking a few steps back and try to regaine some form of control over the situation, he started unbuttoning the shirt himself. It was his brand new shirt that he bought especially for his birthday and he wasn’t gonna let it be torn to shreds just because Donnie was so eager and…. Holymotherofgodinheaven, Donnie was eager!

Jon had had numerous dreams and fantasies about this particular scenario. But he never would have imagined that it would actually happen… He was gently pushed and landed on his back on the couch and then, Donnie was on top of him, biting his nipple. Jon moaned again, considerably louder this time and if his brain had been awake, it wouldn’t have mattered. Because while one of Donnie’s hands were caressing his cheek, his neck and his chest, the other one had ventured inside Jon’s pants.

Jon’s hands wanted to play as well, and he fought to get Donnie’s pants off, even though the man was sitting on top of him, completely focused on giving, not receiving anything. It wasn’t fair! So Jon forced himself up in an awkward sitting position, and one of his hands moved straight inside Donnie’s underwear, looking for his reward.

He looked up, finding Donnie’s eyes fixed upon him and the words stumbled out before he could stop himself:

“I love you!”

To be perfectly honest, he wasn’t entirely sure if he had actually said it out loud, or if it had been all in his mind. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore! He surrendered completely to the emotions coursing through him, and allowed Donnie to gently push him back down on the couch, without letting go of his reward.

<3

Donnie looked down at his wrinkled old hands and a light shudder went through him. Beverly knew better than to disturb him when he was like this, but she was dying to know. He always did this, every single year, and always on this day.

“Daddy… You know that if you won’t tell me, there are other ways for me to find out what happened, so…”

“I hurt him, Bevvie!” Donnie mumbled, clenching his old hands into fists as he fought to remain calm. “I hurt him so bad…”

<3


	2. Chapter 2

Donnie woke up from falling of the couch. It took a while for the brain to work properly. To be perfectly honest, he wasn’t entirely sure that it was functioning at all. He couldn’t even remember coming home last night. And he couldn’t for the life of him understand why he was sleeping on the couch. So he got up and immediately realized two things… he was naked… and sleeping on the couch was a snoring, equally naked Jon.

“Shit!”

He stumbled backwards, tripped on the living room carpet and landed on his ass with a hard thump. In a panic, he looked over at the couch, but Jon was still sleeping. In the couch! Where they both spend the night… together… having sex… with each other… Him and Jon!

“Shit!” he said again. This was like a bad dream he couldn’t wake up from. One by one, his memory returned, the partying, how it all went crazy when Jon told him… Fuck! He felt sick! He wobbled over to the bathroom and made a considerable tribute to the god of hangovers. And then he went back out into the living room. Jon was still sleeping, a look of complete contentment on his face. There was a blanket on the floor that either one of them (Himself?!) put over them before they went to sleep.

“Shit! He said for a third time and started looking for his clothes. What the hell was he thinking? How could he even come up with the idea to… He had to stop, a confused wrinkle in his forehead. How did he actually come up with the idea to do…. Something like that? What had happened, actually? They had been drinking… a lot of drinking… So was that why? Was it the alcohol that made him… do… He took a deep breath. The sooner he got out of the apartment and back home, the better. He put his clothes on and all but ran towards the door. 

And then he stopped, turned and went back to the living room, picked up the blanket from the floor and gently placed it over Jon so he wouldn’t be cold. And, also, to NOT see Jon’s naked ass on the couch. ‘Well, you sure didn’t seem to have a problem with that ass last night!’ a voice pointed out, which made him turn tail and run, all the way back to his own apartment, straight in the shower, where he tried for thirty three minutes to wash himself clean of any visible and invisible signs from what had happened.

When he got out of the shower, he didn’t even make it out of the bathroom before his cellphone rang. Surprised, he turned around and managed to bang his big toe. He said another really bad word and, after checking who was calling, he answered with a short:

“What?!”

“That’s all I get? No ‘Good morning’? No ‘Did you have a nice time yesterday’? My, you really woke up on the wrong side of the bed, didn’t you?”

Donnie muttered to himself. Kirsty was a good friend to him as well, to all of them, but there was something about her that really rubbed him the wrong way. It just felt like she always knew something that he didn’t. And he could have sworn that she was gloating, somehow. His big toe was pounding and he limped out into the kitchen to put some ice on it.

“I’m just calling to make sure you got home safe last night!”

Which, to Donnie, translated into: ‘I could care less if something did happen to you, I’m just calling to make sure you didn’t do something stupid after I left last night’. He opened the freezer to take out a bag of frozen peas.

“I’m fine! I crashed at Jon’s, and we…”

Uninvited, a memory flash attacked him, moving in front of his eyes, reminding him of the way Jon had hissed like a snake when Donnie bit his nipple, how he had been staring at Donnie like he was afraid to believe what he was seeing, how he arched his back and groaned out Donnie’s name when he erupted and…

The bag of peas fell to the floor, opened up and peas went flying all over the kitchen, and Donnie said ‘shit’, for the eleventh time that morning. He didn’t need any more flashbacks. He didn’t need to remember that drop of sweat that he caught with his tongue just below Jon’s ear or how Jon’s hand had touched him like it had been doing it for years, knowing exactly what to do and how to move…

“Fuck! Listen, Kirsty, my toe hurts like a motherfucker and I have one hell of a hangover, so unless you called about something really important…”

“Geez, excuse me for taking an interest in your well-being. I just wanted to make sure that you keep an eye on Jon today, you know how he gets when he’s been drinking like that.”

What did that mean? Was that a hint? Did she know something? He knew that she couldn’t have, because how could she, but what if she did? What if she talked to Jon already? Maybe he told her everything! No! No, Jon was asleep when he left! He couldn’t have woken up already! Could he? Shit, he really needed to say something, and fast, to keep her from getting suspicious! Something clever!

“I was just gonna go over there and check up on him!”

“Good! Wait… If you slept at Jon’s last night, why aren’t you still there?”

“I…” He had no reply. None what so ever! He couldn’t exactly say that he needed a shower, Jon had a perfectly fine shower… It was Saturday, so he couldn’t say that he had to check his mail. He couldn’t even say that he needed to check his e-mail, because he could do that over the freaking phone! “I…”

“Donnie… what did you do?”

“What?! I hit my toe when I got out from the shower and then you called and…”

“Donnie, please, don’t tell me that you have ruined that man’s life completely?”

“Ru… What?”

“Do you have any idea how long I have been fighting to get him to find someone? Huh? Do you have the slightest inclination how frustrating it is to always battle against the wind, because that stubborn poor bastard refuses to move on and realize that he’s never gonna get what he wants? Do you have any idea what you have done?!

She couldn’t know! She couldn’t! He’d been so clever, how did she figure it out?

“I didn’t do anything!”

“And not only did you ruin his life and broke his heart, you’ve treated him like a fucking one-night-stand!”

Ok, that bit actually hurt a bit. He’d had plenty of one-night-stands over the years and he knew that it was the smartest thing ever, but he would never treat… Wait! How the hell did she know what happened last night? How did she know that Jon was…

“Kirsty, how long have you known that Jon was in love with me?”

Silence.

“Valentine’s Day 1995!”

He remembered that day! He remembered it vividly! It was the day he and Maryanne celebrated their one month anniversary! And told Jon all about how incredible she was and that he might be falling in love with her and… Oh, god!

“He was wasted, I don’t think he would have told me if he’d been sober. But I could tell something was wrong and I asked him if he needed to talk and… he told me!”

Donnie had to sit down for a bit. He’d forgotten all about his poor toe.

“What have I done?”

“Donnie, please, don’t tell me that you turned your back on him, just for that? Tell me you’re not that much of a douchebag? Jonny’s been feeling miserable over this for years and I had a feeling that he was gonna tell you, but I was hoping that you would be mature enough to accept his feelings and not do what you always do when you find yourself in a crisis… which is to run away.”

Donnie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. That’s what she thought! She thought that he broke it off with Jon completely. She didn’t know! And how could she? He hadn’t said anything! Could he really be so lucky?

“You’re gonna have to talk to him, Donnie! You have to! You two have known each other for so long, you can’t just up and leave simply because he has feelings for you. It’s not gonna be pretty, but you’re just gonna have to go over there and make amends and Jonny is gonna have to realize that nothing is ever gonna happen between the two of you!”

“Maybe I’ll get lucky and he won’t remember anything!”

He heard her gasp and realized the very second those words left his mouth that yeah, that was probably the stupidest thing he had ever said to anyone, ever.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?! Are you kidding me? Is that how you’re gonna treat your best friend?! Huh? Fuck, Donnie, I never thought you could stoop so low! You cannot be serious?! So what if he does remember? What then? What if he confronts you or gives you an ultimatum?”

Donnie didn’t answer that one. Because how could he possibly explain to Kirsty, when he didn’t understand it himself? How could he explain to Jon, when he knew that whatever he said, his best friend in the whole world would end up getting hurt.

“I know you love him, Donnie! A blind man could see that! But you’re not IN love with him, the way he is with you. That’s the thing that you’re not!”

Donnie cursed again. Of course he wasn’t! Couldn’t she see that *that* was the problem? But how could she? He knew that he was just postponing the inevitable. He was gonna have to talk with Jon! 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon noticed two things when he woke up; for some reason, he was lying on the couch… and he was completely naked. What the hell happened last night? He felt like hell, but not even that could keep him from wondering. There had been quite a lot of partying last night, he knew that. And yeah, sure, he only had himself to blame for feeling like crap, after drinking like that. But Donnie was right, how often does a man turn 30, any…

Donnie!!!

He sat up, wide awake, looking around. He remembered having the most incredible dream, so vivid, where Donnie found out about Jon’s feelings for him and they ended up having sex on the couch…

It *was* just a dream, right? Donnie would never do something like that in real life! Donnie was not only straight, he was really straight. It would be ludicrous if it wasn’t so painful.

He laid back down again, closing his eyes and tried to remember as much as possible from his dream. It was very easy, he could remember every detail and that alone made him smile. Just the thought of the dream made him feel better. It was fairly G-rated, if you could call his dreams and fantasies about Donnie G-rated, because technically, all they did was jerk each other off, but it was so much more than that, because it was him and Donnie and every touch, every caress had been a thousand times more intimate than if they had actually gone all the way. And Donnie had looked right into his eyes and whispered his name when he climaxed. Jon closed his eyes and allowed himself to relive that particular part of the dream over and over.

Unfortunately, his body had other ideas and he soon had to abandon the pleasant dream for a quick visit to the bathroom and a considerable tribute to the god of hangovers. He never should have left the bed this mo… Except he hadn’t been in bed! He’d been sleeping on the couch. Since when was he so wasted that he couldn’t even get his sorry ass to the bedroom? And since when did he sleep in the nude? He looked over at the couch.

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you…”

And suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Oh, god! Oh, dear god!!

“You know how much you mean to me!”

No! His legs were starting to tremble as fireflies danced before his eyes. Oh, my god!

“Shut up!”

His legs gave out and he sank down on the floor, his hand over his mouth. It wasn’t a dream! It wasn’t a dream! He’d had sex with Donnie! No! No! Donnie had sex with him! They had sex! With each other! The two of them! Him and Donnie! Donnie… How… Why… Images came crashing down over him like a thunderstorm. Donnie had been willing, there was no doubt in his mind about that. He had been aroused! Donnie would never even consider the possibility of sleeping with another man, and yet…

And then, the world started spinning. Donnie had done it… because of him! Jon had known Donnie since they were three years old. He knew Donnie’s every though, every good intention, and every bad. Having sex with another man was not at the top of Donnie’s list. Making sure that Jon got exactly what he wanted for his birthday? That was at the top of Donnie’s list! He always tried to do whatever he could to give Jon what he wanted, apart from that one time when he wanted a horse. But he had taken Jon to a farm and had paid the farmer to let Jon ride one of the horses for two hours!

Oh, god, he wanted to die!

And of course, when he was at his worst, and most of all just wanted to hide away, never to see a living soul ever again, least of all, Donnie, there was a knock on the door and he heard Donnie’s voice:

“Jonny? You alive in there?”

He opened his mouth to say something, not really knowing what to say, but instead, he gagged, managing nothing but a tormented groan. One second passed, then another, and another…

“Jonathan?”

Oh, god, why couldn’t he just leave so that Jon could die in peace? One second, then two, three… and then he heard a key and there was just enough time for him to curse himself for ever giving Donnie a spare key to the apartment, before the front door flew open and Donnie came rushing in.

“Jon? Are you ok? Are you sick?”

He barely had enough energy to lift his head and nod, but apparently, it was enough, because the next thing he knew, Donnie was sitting right next to him on the floor, holding him, wiping the sweat from his brow.

“You need to hurl?”

Jon shook his head, ever so lightly, and then he did, right there on the living room floor. And Donnie was there with him, like he’d always been, and Jon hated himself for this helplessness. If he’d had just a teeny tiny bit of energy, he could have confronted Donnie, demanding an explanation, but for the moment, he had to wait until the contents of his stomach had left him. Exhausted, he leaned back against a firm chest, mumbling:

“I want to die!”

“I don’t blame you! What are you doing up, anyway? You know this always happens after you’ve been drinking like that. Come on! Up we go!

He helped Jon up and half carried, half dragged him into the bedroom, where he pushed the overs away and helped Jon lie down. Then he ran into the bathroom for a glass of water, and opened up the window in the living room, before running back to Jon’s bed.

“Here, Jonny, you need to rinse!”

He held out the glass towards Jon, who rinsed his mouth like a good boy to get rid of the taste of vomit. And then he fell back against the pillows, moaning quietly. Donnie’s smile was sympathetic and kind. And then, he went back to the bathroom to get some aspirin from the medicine cabinet.

When he came back to the bedroom, Jon was out cold, so he placed the glass and the aspirin in the bedside table. He took a deep breath and sat down on the chair by the window.

“Fuck, Jonny… This is all my fault, isn’t it? I never should have let you drink so much. It’s just that… I know people do a lot of stupid… crazy shit when they’re drunk… you know that! But that doesn’t mean that…”

He stopped himself, when he realized that what he had been about to say was that ‘it doesn’t mean that what we did didn’t mean anything’. The last thing that Jonny needed right now was some lame excuse that didn’t do either of them any good. The best thing for both of them would be if they could just forget it ever happened and move on with their lives. And he was gonna make damn sure that they didn’t drink so much next time. What happened last night must never happen again. It would ruin everything! And Donnie would die before he hurt Jon in any way. He would never do that again!

“I promise, Jonny! That will never happen again!”

And then he just sat there, watching the sleeping Jonathan. He was whining a bit in his sleep, as if he was having some kind of bad dream and Donnie hated the fact that he couldn’t somehow get inside Jonny’s dreams and slay whatever demons were tormenting him.

Once, when Donnie was eight, he woke up, in the middle of the night, crying his eyes out, telling his mother that something was wrong with Jon, he was upset and he needed Donnie’s help and Donnie couldn’t reach him. His mother had gently stroked his cheek and told him that if he closed his eyes and thought about Jon as hard as he could, then Jon would feel that and he would be calm again. Little Donnie had closed his eyes and thought about Jon as hard as he could… and fell back asleep while doing so.

The next day, when they met on their way to school, little Donnie forgot to ask Jon if it had worked, if he had actually felt how hard Donnie thought about him. And when he did remember, he just figured that it had to have worked. Because Jon had been in a great mood all day.

Now, Donnie’s mother had told him quite a few things as he was growing up that he lately realized were nothing but nonsense, but he believed firmly in what she had told him that time when he was eight, and so, he sat on the chair, staring at Jonathan, thinking about him as hard as he possibly could, so that Jon would somehow sense it and be calm again.

He sat like that until his cell phone disturbed him. He cursed under his breath, and asked the person calling, as kindly as possible, to take a trip somewhere where it was very hot, before going to the kitchen, got a rag and some hot water and washed away all evidence of Jon’s little accident in the living room. Once it was clean, he closed the window, and then, he noticed the couch. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of the flashbacks of what they had done on that couch. But he had no choice. If they were going to move on, they both had to put last night behind them and focus on something else. It was a onetime thing and it was never going to happen again.

So what if it happened to be the hottest, most incredible thing he had ever done with anyone, including Maryanne… It could never happen again! He couldn’t do that to Jon. Jon was his best friend, his brother, and it killed him that he couldn’t give Jonny what he so obviously needed, what he so obviously wanted from Donnie.

It was better this way! For everyone!

He stayed until lunchtime and then he put his shoes back on, wrote a note to Jon about calling him as soon as he woke up, and left. It wasn’t until he got home and hung up his jacket that he realized that the note was still in his tightly clenched fist. He threw the note in the trash. He didn’t need a note. Jonny would call anyway, the second he woke up. He always did! They were best buds! They couldn’t let something like this come between them.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon woke up shortly after lunch and saw the glass and the aspirin, sitting on the table. He smiled to himself until he remembered why he was in his bed and the reason why he felt the way he did.

Donnie fucking Wahlberg!

Oh, he’d heard what Donnie said, sitting on that chair. He might be a lousy actor, but he had plenty of years’ worth of experience when it came to pretending to sleep. He had stayed absolutely still, quiet, trying to get his desperately thumping heart to slow down, breathing slow and even, and he had heard every single word.

“People do a lot of crazy stupid shit when they’re drunk…”

He closed his eyes for a moment, and then reached out for the aspirins.

“That will never happen again!”

Well, that part wasn’t a surprise, that Donnie wanted to move on and forget it ever happened, it was no surprise that what happened was a onetime thing that would never happen again… but that didn’t stop his chest from hurting as he replayed that sentence in his head over and over again. He had no idea Donnie had actually been sitting there, after a while he actually fell asleep for real, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t there now. Jon knew that with painful clarity. Donnie had run away. Like he always did!

He really should call Donnie and give him a piece of his mind, force him to own up to what had happened between them… so why didn’t he? Why didn’t he just get up, call Donnie, and told him what’s what?! He sat up… and lay back down again.

27 years they had known each other! Always been there for each other, no matter what, right from the start. Donnie was the first person to find out that Jon was gay. He had nodded, thought for a moment, and then asked if Jon wanted a horror movie or some brain-dead action. When Jon came out of the closet, on his 15th birthday, Donnie had been right beside him, ready to stick up for him if needed, ready to defend him if someone so much as coughed around him. When he told the rest of the class, Donnie had, loud and clear, told everyone present that the first person to say something mean about his best friend, was gonna spend the next six months in a hospital bed.

There was nothing they wouldn’t do for each other… Should something like this really destroy their friendship? How hard could it be to move on? It was a onetime thing! They were both so wasted it was a miracle that either one of them had actually been able to keep it up. So what if it was the one thing that Jon had wanted ever since he was 12 years old. So what if it had been the hottest, most incredible thing ever… Donnie was his best friend! That meant more than anything else!

Even though his chest still hurt when he thought about it!

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donnie answered the second he heard his cell start to ring.

“Jonny!”

Silence. And then:

”Hey, Donnie!”

Donnie refused to think about why his hand shook and focused on sounding jovial when he spoke.

“So, you feel any better?”

“I feel as could be expected after drinking like that! What the hell, Donnie, why did you let me drink so much?”

“You were turning 30, what was I supposed to do? Slap you on the wrist and say: Alright, Jonathan, that’s enough, you’re gonna feel bad in the morning?”

His heart did a funny little dance when he heard Jon laugh. Jon was laughing! This was a good thing!

“I just wish I could have slowed things down a bit, I barely remember going to bed. Hey, when did Kirsty leave?”

Donnie turned as pale as a ghost. So he hadn’t talked to Kirsty yet? Could the gods really be working in his corner for once?

“I… it was after two, I think. Paul went after her like a lovesick puppy…” His heart was pounding so hard by now that the neighbors probably heard it. “Why, did you… You don’t remember anything?”

Silence. Donnie wasn’t even aware that he was holding his breath.

“Why? Did I do something stupid?”

“NO!” Donnie said, almost before Jon had finished his sentence. ”No, no, absolutely not! You’ve got nothing to worry about, Jonny… I swear!”

“Ok… But no more party drinking for me from now on, that’s a freaking promise! I don’t ever want to have to go through this again. I feel like shit!”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Jonny, it will never happen again, I’ll make sure of it! Trust me!”

He thought he could hear Jon’s breathing get a bit erratic and he wondered if maybe he had been laying it on too thick.

“You’re my best friend in the whole world, Donnie!” Jon said, calmly, and for some reason, Donnie’s stomach hurt when he heard that. “I don’t trust anyone as I trust you! You would never betray me or sell me out or go behind my back, no matter what!”

His stomachache got worse and Donnie had to sit down. He should just say something. Right now! He should just tell Jon what happened.

“Never!” he said in a low voice and now, his eyes started to itch. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Fine! Listen! I’m still coming over for the Star Trek-marathon tonight, right?”

Donnie nodded and realized, as soon as he disconnected, that Jon probably couldn’t see that. Fine! So, everything was back to normal again. Everything was as it should be! Him and Jonny-best buds forever and for Eternity!

So why couldn’t he get rid of that silly stomachache? He was probably just hungry. He just had to make sure he ate something before Jon came over.


	3. Chapter 3

Jon was still feeling lousy when he went back to work on Monday. And the feeling refused to leave. He stood by the coffee-machine in the teacher’s lounge and felt like crap. He was a coward! A crappy coward! He’d spent hours at Donnie’s, commented on the script and the monsters, ate pizza, discussed how Donnie’s birthday party would turn out, when it was his turn into become 30. Not a word had been said about what happened. It didn’t exist! It never happened! Move on!

And he had accepted that! He had told himself that he accepted that. And still, he had been sitting there, in his favorite comfy chair, watching Star Trek, all the time knowing, painfully aware, that Donnie was right there, legs tucked in under him in his favorite chair, and he remembered, heart throbbing in his chest, how those hands had touched his body, how they had made him explode in orgasm. And Donnie had just been sitting there, watching TV, not noticing a bloody thing!

If it at least had been lousy sex! He could use that as an excuse, a valid reason to forget the whole thing. But it hadn’t been bad! It had been good! Better than good! It made him see stars! So intimate, so exiting, so arousing and if he closed his eyes, he could see it happen, could feel Donnie’s lips against his, feel his hands caressing him, his teeth…

Fucking Donnie! He was supposed to put it all behind him, not get himself worked up at work. He groaned at the unintentional pun.

“Hey, Jon! How does it feel to be a year older?”

He had to force himself to think about his biggest turn off ever. If he turned around now, and revealed his current condition, the rumors would never end, not even after he had retired. He took a few deep breathes and when he felt that he had every part of his anatomy under control, he turned around.

“It feels pretty good, actually!” he said, giving his colleague his biggest fake smile ever that he could muster at such short notice. He knew these people that he worked with. He knew teachers! They didn’t want to hear about his personal problems! They wanted the traditional answer! They might be friends, or at the very least acquaintances, but there was no one at work who were really interested. He knew that! They knew that! Suddenly, the whole world seemed populated by liars and hypocrites.

“Morning, Jon! Well, did you get what you wanted for your birthday?”

Did he ever! He got exactly what he had always wanted… Fucking Donnie!

“And more!” he said, smiling again. It didn’t take long for the others to become involved in a heated debate about carnival security and Jon was nothing, if not grateful. He injected a comment here and there, but in his mind, he was somewhere else, entirely. Exactly where he wasn’t supposed to be. He had a really heated mental conversation with himself, going through every possible reason for him to put everything behind him and just move on. 

It worked for about three and a half minutes. And then it was time to get to work. As he walked along the hallway to his classroom where his students waited (at least he sure hoped that they were waiting for him. Hell, he hoped they were there at all!), he made himself forget everything involving his birthday. And when he opened the door and entered the classroom (and saw that they were indeed all there, waiting for him), he had actually managed to do just that.

“Morning, everybody!”

He got a few responses and felt satisfied. Job was something he could focus on. Students were something he could focus on!

“Happy belated birthday, Mr. Knight!”

And then, they were off, like an avalanche!

“Oh, my god, I forgot, it was your birthday!” Happy birthday!” Holy crap, you’re 30!” ”You know, Mr. Knight, you look pretty good for a guy who’s more than halfway to 50!” “Did you have a big party?” “What did you get?” ”Oh, come on, he always looks good!” ”I’m going to Greece when I turn 30!”

They probably could have continued for quite a while, if Jon hadn’t, smiling, but with a stern look, started handing out tests. A collective groan actually made him smile. There, that wasn’t so bad. Keep working! Focus on your students! Move on! Forget it ever happened!

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

”…And not only that, but you hung up on me! You know, I get that you don’t want to hear this, but you don’t fucking turn off your cell when I’m trying to explain what it is that you have to do! Because you know what you have to do! God damn it, Donnie, I always knew you were a bad egg, but that you were such a coward, that was news, even to me! And I’ve known you practically your whole life! You know, I remember when you would…”

Somewhere in the middle of Kirsty’s rambling, Donnie started thinking about a song he’d heard on the radio in the car, driving to work that morning. He knew full well what she thought about him. That was no secret! And to be perfectly honest, there wasn’t a thing that she could call him, that he hadn’t already called himself. Repeatedly! He knew he sucked! He knew he was a coward! He knew that he had dealt with this situation all wrong. But he had simply freaked out! Not knowing what to do or where to look… He had spent all Sunday with Jonny, watching Star Trek! It was tradition! They always did the day after one of them turned older. He had been sitting there, just a few feet away from his best friend, painfully aware that Jon had no memory of what had happened, probably thought it was a drunken dream or something. He didn’t have to see it, every time he closed his eyes, or remember every touch, and every caress on his flesh or how they…

No! He wasn’t supposed to think about it! They were supposed to move on! That was the plan! But he hadn’t been able to stop his gaze from sliding away from the screen and over Jonny’s hands, feeling them move over his body… No! That wasn’t him! He wasn’t like that! He had never been like that! Not once! Not ever! And the sooner Jonny left, the sooner Donnie could go to bed and think about Monday and work and everything else that had absolutely nothing to do with Jonathan Knight!

And the last thing he needed at the moment, was Kirsty yammering in his ear, barking like a vicious dog. Of course, avoiding Kirsty would be a problem, considering that they worked together. All thanks to Jonny, of course! Because of course Donnie could work in an office, and of course it would be a terrific idea to have his two best friends working together and of course they could all do lunch together sometime.

If it hadn’t been for his six figure salary, Donnie would have left the company a long time ago. He just wasn’t cut out for this kind of work. To be honest, he didn’t really know what kind of work he was cut out for. He just knew it wasn’t stuck behind a desk in an office, working with Kirsty fucking Alley!

Look at Jonny, for instance! He had always wanted to become a teacher, ever since middle school! And what was he doing? He was a teacher! Doing what he loved! How many people could honestly say that about their lives and their choices?

“…even listening to me?”

Whoops! He had totally closed Kirsty off and she had, apparently, not stopped barking yet. How long had she been at it? An hour? Two? It felt like a week!

”You’re not even listening to me! You know, sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you! You refuse to listen! The very second someone says something that you don’t like, you drift off into another world, where everything is exactly the way you want it to be! I am so fucking sick and tired of this attitude of yours, you have no idea!

“Why don’t you just shut the fuck up, alright, Kirs? I get it! Ok? I’m a coward and a scumbag and a hypocrite, I know that! You don’t have to go all broken record on me, repeating everything a thousand times over. Believe me, I know perfectly well how much you hate me right now, but that is nothing compared to how much I hate myself!”

“Oh, I see, we’re supposed to feel sorry for you, is that it? Poor, stupid Donnie, who is such a fucking coward, who stuck a knife in his best friend’s back, and left it there and…”

Her phone rang and, finally, made her focus on something else for a while. Donnie heaved a great big sigh of relief. When she walked towards her desk to answer her phone, he turned and started walking towards his office.

“We’re not done talking about this, Donnie, you need to get that through your thick scull! No one can have a lower opinion about you than I do right now! –Welcome to DiMan, this is Kirsty, how can I help you? Oh, hi! I am so glad you could return my call!”

That woman never ceased to amaze him. One second, she could bite his head off and laugh doing so, and the next, she answers the phone, happy as a fucking clam, as if it was the day of her wedding. If his life had been a cartoon, there would have been flowers and pretty birds all around her as she talked to the person on the phone. He shook his head at her mood swings and went into his office, slamming the door shut behind him.

It wasn’t that he disliked his job, he really didn’t, he was on a first name basis with the head of the company, but he just never felt that spark, that… passion about his profession like Jonny did. And truthfully, sometimes that made him a little jealous.

And there was Jonny again! It seemed three minutes couldn’t pass without him thinking about Jon somehow! But that wasn’t so strange, when you thought about it. They were buddies! They were bros, amigos, com2padres! They were friends for Eternity!

He should probably call and ask if Jonny was available for lunch. Sure, he was supposed to pick up Jonny after school, like he always did on Mondays, but people still needed to eat, right? And it would be a mortal sin to let Jon eat that horrific poison they still served kids at school. He shuddered to think about it. No, better then, that best bud Donnie called up and asked him out for lunch. Friends had lunch all the time and it didn’t mean anything!

Donnie looked at the clock on the wall. Jon was in class now, and if there was one thing that Donnie had learned, many years ago, it was that Jonny never, under any circumstances, unless a matter of life or death, wanted people calling him in the middle of class. Sure, Donnie had showed up during class quite a bit during the last year or so, and sometimes taking the part of eager student, just to screw with Jonny, to Jon’s official annoyance, and unofficial joy, but call right in the middle of class? No, that was punishable by death!

So he waited! Like a good boy! And a good friend! Not even texting! Just waiting!

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Jon didn’t allow cellphones in his class. That was the only thing he couldn’t be talked out of. So when his own cell started ringing, right in the middle of class, his face turned impossibly red. His students laughed at him, of course, but he chose to ignore that. It could be important. Whoever it was, Jon sure hoped, for that person’s own health, that it actually was a matter of great importance. Everybody knew not to disturb him during class.

“Jon Knight!”

“Hey, Jonny… It’s Harley!”

Of course! The rest of the world was upside down, why not a call from Harley in the middle of class. Never mind the fact that they hadn’t spoken in almost eight months. He sighed and tried his best to sound as neutral as possible.

“Hey! Long time no see!”

“Yeah… Happy belated birthday, by the way! One step closer to the grave, right?”

Just what he wanted to hear.

“Thanks!”

“I’m just messing with you! Listen, I’m in town for a few days… I have a few meetings that I have to attend… and I was wondering if you might like to… get together… have a cup of coffee, something to eat… maybe?”

Jon wrinkled his forehead in confusion. Something wasn’t right here. They didn’t exactly part on good terms, him and Harley, so what was going on?

“As friends, of course!” Harley went on, and Jon could had sworn that he heard him smile. “I’m not stupid, I just… want us to try and be friends… We can do that, can’t we?”

Jon thought for a minute on how to solve this. He could feel his students staring at him.

“Do you think you could call in… twenty minutes or so, I’m a little busy and…”

“Right, you’re in class! Shit, I totally forgot! I’ll call you back… If you’re ok with getting together, that is!”

Call back later! Sounded like a really good idea!

“Ok!” he said, and it wasn’t until later that he realized what he had actually agreed on. His face furiously red, he put his cellphone away. Although, maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. Get together and just talk… as friends. Maybe a bite to eat… His mind was flooded with mental pictures of Harley and their time together. They did have a lot of fun! Harley was a great guy, he really was. And he was hot, there was no point denying that! Maybe it would be nice to go out with him, as friends. If he ever was to start his new life, someone had to take the first step. And this looked like a proper first step.

“Who was that?”

“You got a hot date tonight?” someone asked. He realized that he was blushing and tried giving his students his best stern teacher-look ever.

And failed miserably.

“You DO have a date tonight!”

“Way to go, Mr K!”

“Who is she?”

“See, I told you he was single, Sarah, you just blew it!”

He just smiled at them. There was one place where he wasn’t out yet, and that was at work. Not that he was ashamed or anything like that, quite the opposite, he just hadn’t had the time or the perfect opportunity to tell anyone. And, truth be told, he was a little bit worried how the faculty would react.

“You know, if you guys spent half as much time studying as you do wondering about my personal life, every single one of you would graduate this class with high scores. Now, those of you who had a theory about Desdemona, raise your hands!”

Out of his 25 students, fourteen raised their hands. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. Jon loved his job! And he actually did feel a little bit better now, after talking to Harley, than he had in… well, the last couple of hours.

Maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel, after all! Jon Knight – moving on!

\------------------------------------------------------------------

”Donnie, you busy?”

Donnie looked up from the screen and smiled as the president of the company entered his office.

“Come on in, man, I was just going through the numbers!

Marcus closed the door behind him.

“How does it look?”

“Looks good, man! We’re ahead, you can sleep like a baby tonight!”

“That’s great! But that’s not why I’m here!

“Oh? Sit down!” He gestured towards one of the chairs and Marcus sat down. Donnie gave a crooked smile. Sometimes, Marcus was easier to read than a children’s book.

“So, what can I do for you?”

Marcus might be the President of the company, but whenever he needed advice or council or just needed someone to listen to his ideas, he came to Donnie. Like he had for the past three years, ever since Donnie first started working for DiMan. Donnie was happy to help, even though he had a sneaking suspicion that it was, at least in the beginning, a very subtle way for Marcus to make Donnie feel welcome, like one of the family, almost. Now, it had turned into a habit and they were both aware of that. But Donnie liked Marcus and Marcus liked Donnie’s ideas.

Donnie closed down the webpage he had been staring at and gave Marcus his undivided attention.

“I need some advice! You know that we’ve been meeting with representatives from SMI a lot lately. Now, I’ve tried looking at this from every angle and everywhere I look, it seems like a good deal. It’s just that I’ve started to wonder if…

Donnie looked over at the clock. And suddenly, Marcus’ voice was drowning in the sound of roaring thunder in his head. It was half past four! What the hell happened to lunch? Christ, he had been so wrapped up in work that he forgot what time it was. He was supposed to call Jonny and… Jon!! He was supposed to pick Jon up after school! Jon was probably standing in the parking lot, waiting for him to show up, the way he always did on Mondays!

Wait! What is he wasn’t waiting at all? What if he went straight home, because he didn’t think that Donnie was gonna show? He really should have called, if he was really waiting… Donnie risked a look out the window. A little windy, but nothing more. Fuck! What if Jonny got his memory back?! What if he remembered what happened and was refusing to talk to Donnie because of what they did… No! No, they had known each other for 27 years! Jon had taken the bus home when he saw that Donnie wasn’t there to pick him up. And it must have slipped his mind to call Donnie, or text him, and ask where he was. It was as simple as that! Any second now, Jonny was gonna call and ask why Donnie didn’t pick him up, Donnie would apologize, and everything would be right as rain.

He liked that thought and nodded to himself, with a pleased smile on his face.

“Well, yeah, I thought it was a good idea too, at first, but it’s just starting to feel as though we’re in over our heads here.”

Donnie blinked and realized that he hadn’t actually heard a word that Marcus had said. It didn’t seem as though Marcus had noticed, though. He went on:

“But the decision has to be unanimous! We all have to agree on this, but I think we need to talk some more about the risks. I mean properly talk! Right?”

Donnie sighed and tried to think about what to say in this particular situation.

“What does your gut tell you?”

That was a safe answer. Marcus was all about trusting his gut feeling.

“That we have to wait a while, and discuss what this could mean for the company before accepting any offers.”

“Well, there you go! Talk to the board! It’s not exactly smuggling guns or dealing drugs we’re talking about, I think you’ll get your way once they hear your arguments!”

Donnie had absolutely no idea what those arguments were, but he assumed they were acceptable. Marcus was smart! He just needed some encouragement.

“You’re right! I’ll set up a meeting first thing tomorrow! You wanna join us for dinner? Mandy’s making her Shepard’s Pie and she’s making enough to feed a small army, so we could use an extra head at the table.”

Donnie nodded. He liked Marcus! He liked Marcus’ wife, Mandy! And he freaking loved her Shepherd’s Pie. He sucked at making food, himself, everyone who knew him could vouch for that, so when the offer of a home cooked meal was on the table? How could he refuse?

“Great! Could you give me a minute? I’m just gonna go call Fred and the others and set up a meeting, and then we can get out of here.”

Donnie nodded again, with a big grin. Marcus got up from the chair and left the office and Donnie opened up the web page he had been staring at like a fool, before being interrupted.

TWELVE SIMPLE STEPS TO FIND OUT IF YOU’RE GAY!

It was ridiculous, of course, he didn’t even know why he was looking at that page. He just answered no to every single step. So he wasn’t gay! Not that he was worried or anything! Of course not!

He closed the computer and tried to ignore that one step where he had actually been forced to answer Yes. If he had ever had a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex. But it shouldn’t count, though, cause he was drunk out of his skull and you do lots of crazy shit when your drunk, so… so it didn’t count.

He was still arguing with himself when Marcus came back a few minutes later. When they walked towards the elevator, he noted that Kirsty wasn’t by her desk at the reception and fond that he really didn’t care where she was, as long as she wasn’t invited to dinner as well. He really liked Marcus and Mandy and their two daughters were simply adorable… but Kirsty was not his favorite person in the world. At all!

It wasn’t until he got home, several hours later, feeling full and somewhat sleepy, that he realized that Jon hadn’t called yet. He dialed Jon’s number, but only got his voicemail. Donnie turned cold as ice. What if something had happened? What if Jon hadn’t called because he was unable to? What if he slipped or something on his way home, because Donnie wasn’t there to pick him up? What if he got hit by a bus and was dying in a ditch somewhere? He could have been robbed, or beaten…. Assaulted! Holy shit, someone had attacked his best friend!

Sure, he might be overreacting, bu the just wasn’t used to Jonny not calling him. Or that Jon had his cell phone turned off, for that matter. During the day, of course, that made sense for someone who didn’t want to be disturbed during class, but at night? Ok, yeah, maybe his batteries were out! That could be it! But he was supposed to be at home, so why not recharge them? Donnie couldn’t shake the feeling that something had actually happened. And that stomachache from before came back.

He dialed again. All he had to do was leave a message after the tone, and Jonny would call back as soon as he heard it. They were bros, they could talk about anything… ‘Of course, that was before you found out that he’s in love with you’ his inner voice pointed out, and Donnie was so unprepared for that particular reminder, and so focused on the message he was going to leave on the machine, that when Jon actually answered, Donnie didn’t even know what to say.

“I’m busy, what do you want?”

Busy? BUSY?! Donnie had been worrying himself sick with one worst case scenario after another, thinking that Jonny was lost forever, and the first thing he hears is ’I’m busy’? Well, excuse me for caring, bitch!

“Your cell was off! I thought… It’s monday, I figured you would be…”

“Oh, right, it’s Monday! I’m sorry, Donnie, I completely forgot that after Sunday, there’s a Monday!”

“Ok, fuck off, I thought something had happened, alright? Excuse me for being worried about my best friend!”

“I’m sorry, ‘mom’, I know I should have called, it’s just that… things got in the way of that… -No, make that two!”

‘Make that two’? Two of what?!

“Where are you?”

“Well, I’m… on a date, actually!”

On a what now? His tummy ache returned with a vengeance. He didn’t really know why, it wasn’t like this was the first time Jon was out on a date… Wait, who was he out on a date with? And why had no one told Donnie about this?

“Who with?”

“Harley’s in town, so we’re… having dinner!”

Harley? Harley was in town? Why was Harley in town, he didn’t even live anywhere near town! Donnie smelled a whole box full of rats. Now, there was nothing wrong with Harley, he was a wonderful human being and he adored Jon. It just felt a bit too… convenient for him to show up like this!

“…And when I got out, he’s just standing there, waiting for me! We must have left mere seconds before you arrived. I am sorry, Donnie, did you wait long? I would have called, but…”

“Huh? Oh… No, I… I got a dinner invitation from Marcus and Mandy, so I…”

“Home cooked meal! I am so jealous! What did she make?”

”Shepherd’s Pie!”

”Mmmm… Oh, god, that’s so good!”

For some reason, the way he said that, made Donnie’s body react in ways that it really wasn’t supposed to. He had heard that sound before. He had heard Jon say ‘mmmm’ and ‘oh, god’ not that long ago, and he had it on the tip of his tongue to tell Jon to stop sounding like that, but that would mean that he was still thinking about it, which he wasn’t, because they were supposed to leave that stuff behind and move on.

But he couldn’t do that, if Jon kept on moaning like that in his ear.

“Jonny…”

“Oh, dinner’s here! I have to go, Donnie, we’ll talk tomorrow!”

And just like that, Jon hung up on him. Donnie’s stomach was quiet! He was a lot calmer now, that he knew that Jonny was ok. And he had promised to call the next day! They always called each other up the day after a date to spill the beans. Ok, truth be told, Donnie was the one spilling. In detail! Every time! For years! And Jon had sat there and… listened…

Donnie had to sit down as it suddenly hit him. For years, he had made Jon listen to all the sordid details about his conquests, everything juicy that he had done with his one night stands. And Jon had been… since he was fifteen… Donnie was having difficulty breathing. Imagine sitting two times a week… Hell, sometimes FOUR times a week… and listen to the one you love, go on and on about what he did with his dates. How the hell had Jon survived? Donnie would have killed himself after one hour!

Ok, that was it! No matter what, he wasn’t about to fuck up the best friendship he had ever had in his life, just because he was a coward and an asshole. He had to make sure that Jonny was his best bro, and friend for Eternity! He would do anything for him…

‘Yeah, and isn’t that what got you into this mess in the first place?’ his inner voice mocked him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

”Well, how about it? Dessert? Yes or no?

”I don’t know… Chocolate mousse?”

“Totally! With whipped cream, of course!”

“Oh, absolutely!”

Jon licked his lips in anticipation of the, quite frankly, absolutely fabulous chocolate mousse that this restaurant had. It was the closest to heaven he had even been! He looked up from the menu and found that Harley was staring at him, his eyes burning.

“Please, don’t do that!” he begged in a low voice.

“Do what?”

“With your tongue!”

Jon raised an eyebrow, and couldn’t help but ask:

“Why not?”

“Because”, Harley said, in complete honesty, “I have no defences at all when it comes to you and right now, I am fighting every impulse I get that’s telling me to cover your naked body in chocolate mousse and then lick it off.”

Jon was actually taken aback by the answer. He had not been prepared for that. But then again, Harley had never been one to beat around the bush. Jon nodded slowly, to show that he understood… and then licked his lips again. Harley looked a bit sour.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it! It’s not my fault they have the best chocolate mousse in town. It makes you wanna… enjoy… every… last…lick.”

Ok, so maybe that wasn’t cool, but Jon was in a good mood. He felt good and he liked that feeling. And also, it was a tiny bit arousing to know that all he needed to do, to get Harley going, was to lick his lips. Would be fun to find out what else he could do to excite the man. And that made him think about how he’d messed with Donnie over the phone, not two hours ago. How he practically moaned in his ear, just to elicit some kind of reaction with his friend. Christ, what kind of man was he? To do something like that…

He took a deep breath and looked up again.

“I’m sorry!” he said, and he actually meant it this time.

“Look, Jon, I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you! I did have an ulterior motive with this dinner. I’ve been thinking about you, a lot, lately, and I realize that we left a lof of things unsolved when you… when we broke up. I wanted this opportunity, when I was in town, to see you and to find out if any of those feelings… If they’re still there!”

Jon didn’t say a word for a few moments.

“And?” he finally asked.

“I never stopped loving you, Jonathan, it’s that simple! You’re still the best thing that’s ever happened to me!”

“Harley…”

“I know, I know, we said that we would get together and have dinner as friends, nothing more, but I can’t do that, I know that now! I knew the second I saw you again. I can’t be just friends with you, Jon, I want more! And I know that there’s a chance for us! You still have feelings for me! I know it, I can see it in your eyes! You’re single, I’m single… There really is no reason for us not to try again!”

“I don’t think…”

“Baby steps, of course! We’re doing it right this time! No more jumping into bed on the first date! But I was thinking, maybe… a movie or something? See what happens?”

Jon closed his eyes, and thought good and hard. First step, he thought. Take the first step! Move on! And then, he opened his eyes and checked his watch.

“If we skip dessert, and leave now, we’ll make it to the late show!”

Harley was staring at him.

“Are you serious?”

Jon grinned.

“You’ll miss out on their chocolate mousse!”

But Harley was already out of his chair, looking for a waiter. Jon couldn’t help but laugh, and they were still laughing, as they ran all the way to the movies.


	4. Chapter 4

“How could you do this to me?”

“Jonny, please…”

“You’re a monster, Donnie! A monster! And you let me walk around, thinking that… You never said anything! Whay didn’t you say something? You knew I didn’t remember anything! You’re supposed to be my best friend, Donnie, how could you keep something like this from me?

“I only did what I thought was best, Jon, I never meant to hurt you!”

“Hurt me? This is a little more than that, Donnie! We slept together! We had sex, damnit, how could you do that to me? I’m not stupid, I know you don’t feel the same way I do! I’ve known you my whole life, I know you’re straight! But I’m not! I’m in love with you, Donnie, did you ever stop to think about what this would do to me?”

“I’m sorry! Please, I… I’ll do anything! Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it! I can’t lose your friendship, Jonny, you’re my best friend in the whole world! Please, please, forgive me!”

“I will never forgive you for this! If you at least had backbone enough to stand for what you’ve done, but instead, you ran, like you always do! Like I’m nothing but a one night stand! And you expect us to be friends again? Forget it! You let me down for the last time!

“Jonathan! Don’t go!

“Fuck you, Donnie!”

Donnie awoke with a jerk, screaming at the top of his lungs:

“NO!”

It took him a few minutes to realize where he was, at home, on his couch, and that it had been a bad dream. He was drenched in cold sweat. The dream had been so real, though, he could still hear Jon’s accusing words and feel the panic in his chest as he saw his best friend walk towards the door and out of his life, slamming it shut behind him.

“Fuck!” That was one of the scariest things he had ever been through. A quick glance at the alarm clock told him that it was still three hours until he had to get up. And he knew that he should try and fall back asleep, but he was afraid. He didn’t want to fall asleep if it meant having that dream again. No way! Even if it meant getting up at 2.30 a.m!

This wasn’t working! He had to talk to Jon! There was no way around it! He had to tell Jon the truth!

\-----------------------------------------------------

Jon had a lot to think about the next day. Somehow, his non-date, just as friends, with Harley had turned into an actual, proper date with dinner and a movie, without anyone giving either one of them a heads-up! Weird, but now, that he thought about it, and he had been doing a lot of thinking all through the night and all the way through lunch, he couldn’t really remember what it was that made him dump Harley that time. They’d had a really nice time, the food was great, movie was great… and Harley had kissed him goodnight outside his apartment building before they said their goodbyes. A good kiss! Not some ‘God, I have to have you now, and fuck the consequences’-kind of kiss but a nice kiss, a kiss filled with promise, a ‘Let’s take this slow and see what happens’-kind of kiss.

Jon wasn’t entirely sure how it happened, but somewhere along the walk home, hallway between the movie theatre and his apartment, he had invited Harley over for dinner. As friends, of course, they both said, at the same time, no less, and then laughed a bit, but still… Dinner! At his place! Nothing fancy, just something easy… and chocolate mousse for dessert! With whipped cream! Oh, he needed to buy more cream! And candles, he needed candles! Maybe he should get off work earlier, so that he had enough time to get everything… and take a shower, of course! That was just common courtesy, you didn’t invite someone over for dinner, smelling like high school and sweat.

Although it had been anything but a date and even though they had agreed that dinner tonight was nothing but two friends having dinner, Jon couldn’t help but feel a certain amount of excitement all through the day. He had actually had a really nice time last night. And Harley had been really nice, as well! And he looked good too, Jon had to admit that. Harley looked really fucking hot! He must have done something with his hair… or maybe his clothes, because Jon couldn’t remember Harley being that attractive when they were together all those months ago. Or being funny! He knew there were a lot of things that Harley was good at… and some things that he was really good at… but he had never had any sense of humor at all. At least not one that matched Jon’s sense of humor. But last night… they had laughed!

Had Harley always been like that? Had Jon been so blinded by his feelings for Donnie that he hadn’t seen Harley for the man he really was? Was it really something like this that was needed for a person to wake up and realize… that he had spent his entire life dreaming about something he could never have?

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Donnie glared at the computer, totally engrossed in his job. Really, really busy working. A job that consisted of him accusing his cellphone of treason. If it didn’t start ringing real soon, he would have to take extreme measures! It was almost eleven! Eleven! He had been up since 2.30! And Jonny *still* hadn’t called! They always called each other up the day after a date! Even if the date went sour, they called, just to get some words of support from their best friend. And Jon still hadn’t called, which could only mean one of two things: either the date last night had a happy ending… He found that he really didn’t want to linger too much on that particular subject. Jonny deserved a bit of fun, he really did! Especially considering how he had been treated by his best friend. Even though Jon didn’t remember that particular part of the evening, Donnie sure did. And he knew that it would only be fair if Jonny got laid. He just didn’t want to think about it.

So, either Jon had gotten laid… or Harley had killed him, chopped him up into little pieces, dragged him out into some deep dark part of some deep dark forest and set him on fire.

Ok, maybe not that last part. But one could never know for sure! Harley was a wonderful man and he adored Jon, no question… So why hadn’t Jonny called yet? Even if it was just to ramble on an on for forty-five minutes about what a wonderful man Harley was. Sure, he might be busy at school, and that was good enough, but how hard was it to send a freaking text? Either ‘I got lucky’ or ‘Life sucks, gimme a call!’ Anything was better than this silence!

He kept on glaring at his traitorous phone that still didn’t ring. He would give Jonny some time, and then, he would call him up instead! Smart guy like Jonny should understand that traditions mattered! Traditions were important! At least the ones you had with your bestest best friend. And one of those traditions was to call the day after a date with details about…

Ok, maybe not details, but… Damn it, Donnie just wanted to know that Jon was ok.

There was a knock on the door and Kirsty’s head popped in.

“Donnie, it’s time for the meeting! Are you coming?”

Right, the meeting! He checked his papers to see if he had everything and gave Kirsty a nod.

“I’ll be right there!”

Kirsty nodded and left. Donnie took the necessary files and followed her into Marcus’ office. He could worry about Jonny later. This meeting could determine the future of this company.

\---------------------------------------------------------

When Harley called during recess, thanking him for a pleasant non-date, Jon realized that he hadn’t talked to Donnie yet. And once he realized that, he realized that he hadn’t even thought about Donnie since they spoke on the phone. He couldn’t really decide if this was a good thing or not, but he knew that he’d had a great time with Harley and that Harley had accepted his dinner invitation with an excitement that was borderline childish and somehow, really adorable.

The whole day went by without Jon even thinking about calling Donnie. But, he reasoned, if he was going to get everything he needed for dinner and dessert and shower and change before Harley showed up… Well, there just wasn’t any time to call Donnie to tell him about his date.

He wasn’t even entirely sure that Donnie wanted to hear about his date at the moment. He could sit at home, grind his teeth and feel sorry for himself. Jon wasn’t going to! He deserved better! He deserved a bit of fun with someone who appriciated him, who didn’t lie to him, who didn’t treat him like shit, who wasn’t… fucking Donnie Wahlberg!

No! Jon refused to let Donnie ruin this night too! He was going to have dinner with Harley and they were going to have a good time! He took a deep breath and focused all his time and energy on dinner.

Not that he had any kind of expectations. Ok, to be honest, he didn’t really know exactly what it was he was after. He wasn’t after anything, really. All he knew was that he liked Harley, he felt good being around Harley. Harley was a wonderful man and he was hot as hell. He had developed a sense of humor and he cared about the important stuff. Maybe it was just for a week, but maybe Jon needed that week, with Harley, to wake up from his dream world and face the fact that he was never gonna get what he really wanted. That sounded harsh, it sounded almost like he was settling for Harley, but the sad truth was that he had been in love with Donnie since he was twelve years old. That wasn't something you got over in a week. But maybe it was time for him to start thinking about it. And a week with Harley might be exactly what he needed to take that first step and move on with his life.

With just a few minutes left, Jon turned off his cellphone. He didn’t want anyone disturbing him tonight. And he really didn’t want Donnie calling in the middle of dinner. The first step towards his Donnie-free life had to be taken sometime. And that meant giving Harley his undivided attention. He fixed his hair and reached for his cologne, but changed his mind. Harley was just here for dinner and conversation. That’s it! It wasn’t the Academy Awards! Just two friends getting together for dinner. Nothing else!

When Harley showed up, he had a bottle of wine in one hand and a huge bouquet of flowers in the other. Jon was really starting to like this non-dating thing!

\------------------------------------------------------

Donnie had lost all interest in the company hours ago. He knew he should focus. He knew that Marcus valued his opinion. He knew that whatever he said at the meeting could make or break the entire company. But Jon hadn’t called! And he couldn’t really concentrate on the financial problems, when his mind was pre-occupied. Not to mention the dream that freaked him out. He knew that was how Jon was going to react. He didn’t need a scary nightmare to tell him that. He had treated Jon like shit. It wouldn’t surprise him one bit if Jon cut him out of his life permanently, as soon as he found out…

But so far, he didn’t remember anything! So far, Donnie was still the bestest best friend in the world. So why hadn’t he called? Donnie would always call Jon the day after a date and talk about what happened, what she say or didn’t say, what she did or didn’t do, if she had agreed to the video camera or not… Oh, he really didn’t want to think about that right now. How many years had he forced Jon to listen to something he really didn’t want to hear? How in the hell had he put up with it?  
If it had been the other way around, if Donnie had been in love with someone since he was fifteen… fucking fifteen… he wouldn’t want to know about what the object of his affections was doing in the sack. He would have killed himself! How had Jonny done it? He must have a willpower greater than any human being on this earth! Because Donnie had never had any problem kissing his lady friends and then telling his friends about it. Down to the last detail. God, how Jonny must have hated him! Could you love someone and hate them at the same time?

He had so much to apologize for! And as soon as he got a hold of Jon, he was gonna do that! He would do whatever it took, to make things the way they were. He would do anything to make Jonny feel good… Which is exactly how he ended up in this mess in the first place! How could he have been so mind-numbingly stupid?

Donnie looked at his watch and noted that it was getting late. The meeting had really dragged on and on with no one reaching an agreement. And Jon still hadn’t called! So either his date had been fucked right from the start… or it had been a complete success and Jon just didn’t want to be disturbed.

Weird, suddenly, his stomach started aching again. Maybe he was coming down with something! He should probably go see a doctor, just in case! Might be serious! Then again, it could just be hunger! He hadn’t eaten properly all day and it was… 8.30.

Cursing to himself, he grabbed his jacket and his suitcase and ran out from the office, not even bothering with an excuse to anyone.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Jon looked from Harley to the stereo and back at Harley.

“Please? Just one dance?” Harley had gotten up from the table and was standing in front of him, his hand outstretched towards him. He was smiling, and he had a tiny little dot of chocolate mousse in the corner of his mouth. Jon could not take his eyes away from that little dot. It was like it was trying to tell him something. And then, he smiled back at Harley and took his hand. One dance couldn’t hurt, right? As friends, of course! They had spent the entire evening eating and talking, it was only logical that they took a break.

They had one dance! And then another one! And then, in the middle of the third dance, Jon couldn’t stop himself any longer. He could have used a finger. He could have pointed it out to Harley, so that he could remove the mousse himself. But the food and the wine and the chocolate had gotten to him.

“You… You have a little…” he started, halfheartedly, making a little gesture with his head towards the enticing little dot, and then, things happened really fast. Harley stuck out his tongue to get rid of it, Jon shook his head, leaned forward and licked away the tiny dot of mousse that had been driving him insane for the past half hour. Harley stared at him and for a few seconds, they just stood there, on the floor, staring at each other. And then, lips met lips and Jon’s heart was pounding.

\-------------------------------------------------

Donnie drove all the way home and it wasn’t until he got out of the car that he saw that he was standing outside Jon’s apartment building. It really wasn’t all that strange. Donnie was hungry and Jonny probably had something in the fridge. He always did! Donnie punched in the code and almost ran up the stairs. The only problem was that Jon didn’t answer the door when he knocked.

It took all of three seconds before he remembered that he had a key to Jon’s apartment, just like Jon had a key to Donnie’s apartment. It had been obvious to them both when they moved away from home, that they each should have a spare key.

As soon as he got inside, though, he knew that he should leave. He could smell delicious food and saw a table set for two, with candles and everything. The stereo was on, so loud that there was no way that Jon could have heard him knocking. But there was no one around! No one in the kitchen, no one in the living room… He realized that that annoying pain in his stomach was still there, and the pain seemed to almost intensify every step he took. But he couldn’t make himself turn around and leave.

Not even when he saw them.

They didn’t even know that he was there. They were standing on the balcony, looking up at the stars. Jon was pointing at a star and said something. Harley nodded and said something. Then, they looked at each other and it wasn’t until now that Donnie realized that they were holding hands. And that they were leaning their foreheads against each other. And that Jon was smiling at Harley. Smiling in a way that made Donnie’s stomach threaten to give out altogether. There was no reasonable explanation for him standing there. There was no logical explanation as to why he didn’t leave when he saw them kissing out there. And there was no plausible explanation why he was standing there, turning open hands into fists of fury.

He had no idea how he got home. 

He wasn’t even entirely certain that he had been driving his car, or if he walked or if he had said something to Jon and Harley. All he knew for certain was that suddenly, he was sitting on his couch, arms around his stomach, fighting for his life to remember how to breathe.


	5. Chapter 5

“How could you do this to me?”

“Jonny, please…”

“You’re a monster, Donnie! A monster! And you let me walk around, thinking that… You never said anything! Whay didn’t you say something? You knew I didn’t remember anything! You’re supposed to be my best friend, Donnie, how could you keep something like this from me?

“I only did what I thought was best, Jon, I never meant to hurt you!”

“Hurt me? This is a little more than that, Donnie! We slept together! We had sex, damnit, how could you do that to me? I’m not stupid, I know you don’t feel the same way I do! I’ve known you my whole life, I know you’re straight! But I’m not! I’m in love with you, Donnie, did you ever stop to think about what this would do to me?”

“I’m sorry! Please, I… I’ll do anything! Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it! I can’t lose your friendship, Jonny, you’re my best friend in the whole world! Please, please, forgive me!”

“I will never forgive you for this! If you at least had backbone enough to stand for what you’ve done, but instead, you ran, like you always do! Like I’m nothing but a one night stand! And you expect us to be friends again? Forget it! You let me down for the last time!

“Jonathan! Don’t go!

“Fuck you, Donnie!”

Donnie muttered to himself as he went into the bathroom. This was becoming a habit. A bad one, at that! Same dream! Same scenario! Same rude awakening; Jon turning his back on him, storming out the door, slamming it shut behind him. It was always the loud bang of a door slamming that woke him up, always feeling nauseated and slightly disorientated.

Things were apparently getting serious between Jon and Harley. Like really serious. They had been seeing each other for three weeks now. Donnie leaned his forehead against the bathroom mirror without turning on the light. It was a good thing! It was! Jonny needed someone in his life who could give him… what he needed. And Harley was a wonderful man and he adored Jon, no question. Kirsty sure seemed to gloat about that, every chance she got. As if Donnie didn’t have eyes. He knew perfectly well, without Kirsty rubbing it in. Harley was in love with Jon! Donnie had realized that the second the saw them standing outside his door.

They had shown up on Friday, just after work. Donnie had been on Jon’s case all day, calling him during class, texting him, messing with him, just like old times, and when Jon finally answered, Donnie quickly offered to make dinner and rent a good movie… and maybe a golden opportunity to talk some. He really should have reacted when Jon said: ‘Ok, we’ll be there!’, but he was too busy going over what he was going to say to Jon when they had finished dinner.

So it came as a minor shock to open the door and see Jon standing there… with Harley!

Oh, he had been the perfect host, absolutely! He had been Jonny’s best pal all through the night, laughing at Harley’s jokes, talked to both of them during dinner and loudly commented on the movie they were watching as they sat in the living room. And it was in just one of those moments, when he had made a funny remark about the main character’s total lack of enthusiasm, when he saw it. Jonny was laughing out loud at Donnie’s comment and Donnie happened to look over at Harley to see if he got the joke or not.

Harley wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even watching the TV anymore. He was gazing at Jon with a look so filled with affection that it made Donnie feel sick. He didn’t even know if Jon was aware of Harley’s dreamy look, but if he was, he sure didn’t seem to mind.

Donnie closed his eyes. Just a few more days! And then Harley would go back home! He only showed up over the weekends, and all Donnie had to do was put up with him until Sunday. And then things would go back to normal. He had known Jon since they were three; he knew exactly how this would work. Jonny would come to realize that this long distance relationship thing wasn’t working out for him the way he wanted it to. He would dump Harley like yesterday’s trash. Again! He would mope about it for two hours and fifteen minutes and then he would come over, Donnie would order pizza, they would watch some really bad action and everything would be as it always had been. Him and Jon! Bestest bros for all Eternity!

\-----------------------------------------------------

Jon threw a not so subtle glance at the clock on the wall. Never in his life had time moved so slowly before. Why was it that whenever you were in a hurry, every second felt like an hour? Alright, so maybe he wasn’t in that much of a hurry, but he did wanna look nice for his date and he wanted everything to be just perfect. It was quite interesting, actually, he wasn’t always this excited about a date, but now, it was like he couldn’t get home fast enough.

Harley had really been a gift from the gods these past few weeks and it really felt as though they were becoming serious this time. They had not even slept together yet, which was rare, because the first time they hooked up, they ended up in the sack after knowing each other for two hours and fifteen minutes. That might also be one of the reason things ended the way they did. They were taking it slow this time, really getting to know each other first and Jon discovered that Harley was actually a wonderful human being. Maybe this was exactly what he needed in his life…

A vicious stab in the heart reminded him that he was actively trying to avoid a certain topic, but he did his best to continue ignoring it. He had been ignoring his feelings for Donnie since he was a teenager, he could continue doing so for the rest of his life, if he felt like it. What happened with Donnie was one big mistake and he wasn’t about to let that mistake end 27 years of friendship. He would die for Donnie and he knew that Donnie would gladly take a bullet or donate a kidney for Jon. They were bros, they were pals, they were bestest friends…

And if he closed his eyes, he could feel Donnie’s warm naked skin under his fingers! If he focused, he could feel Donnie’s lips on his!

Fucking Donnie! He was one of the reasons Jon hadn’t had sex with Harley yet. Sure, they’d agreed to take things slow, and not rush into anything until they were both ready, but somewhere, deep inside, Jon had been almost unreasonably relieved when Harley said that. Because the truth was that he was terrified. He was terrified that when it happened, he would compare Harley and Donnie and their different style and techniques… and he was terrified that he would prefer Donnie’s eager caress to Harley’s experience.

But the big difference between Donnie and Harley was that Donnie had been drunk out of his skull. He’d been so wasted that he didn’t even know what he was doing and once he realized it, the next day, he’d felt extremely guilty and wanted nothing more than to forget it ever happened. Harley, on the other hand, loved Jon! In another way! Fuck, why did life had to be so fucking hard?

Ten more minutes, before he could get up and just leave. Ten minutes! This was ridiculous! He slammed the book shut so hard that his students looked up, slightly shocked.

“I’m so sorry, I completely forgot that I had a dentist appointment. You won’t be too upset to go home a few minutes early, right?”

He didn’t expect any objections, and received none. The kids had their bags ready in 35 seconds. Jon shook his head, smiling. Teenagers were so predictable! And now, he had a few extra minutes to get ready. He felt a little bit guilty for, in a sence, playing hooky, he’d never done that before in his life, but the thrill of soon seeing Harley again did a good job silencing that guilt.

He took his coat, and all but ran out, said goodbye to his colleagues without stopping and was just starting to slow down, a few feet from the bus stop, when his cell rang. He couldn’t stop smiling. Had to be Harley, calling about tonight. Seems he wasn’t the only one looking forward to tonight. Without so much as looking at the display, he answered:

“I’m heading home now, baby, stop worrying!”

He slowed down at the bus stop. His calculations had been correct, the bus would arrive in two minutes. A few seconds went by.

“You know, Jonny, if that’s how you answer the phone these days, I think we need to have a little talk.”

Jon turned bright red and hoped that no one saw. There weren’t that many people around, but he didn’t want to risk it. Fortunately, the bus arrived just then, and no one seemed to pay the teacher any attention.

“Donnie! I am so sorry, I thought you were someone else!”

“Yeah, I got that!” Donnie muttered and Jon turned even redder. But he was too excited about his date and he was experiencing a delayed reaction to his first attempt at playing hooky, so not even Donnie could get him down. Instead, he looked around, conspiratorially, and said, somewhat breathless:

“Donnie… I just left my classroom ten minutes early, claiming I had a dentist’s appointment…”

“But you don’t have a…”

Jon actually giggled when he heard Donnie gasp.

“Jonathan Knight… Are you serious? I do not believe this! I tried for years to get you to skip class and spend the day with me and you never once agreed. Not once! Wait, I have to… No, I can’t see any pigs flying! What’s going on, did I wake up in the Twilight Zone this morning?”

Jon laughed as he sat down. Bestest pals forever!

“I just… I’m seeing Harley tonight and I want everything to be perfect, so I… told the kids that I had a dentist’s appointment!”

“Classic!” Donnie laughed. ”Pure classic! Oh, this is gold! I never thought I would live to see the day… It’s really unfair, though, I tried for years and you always said no! What the hell did that Harley do to you anyway?”

Oh, he couldn’t let that one slide. No way was he gonna let that one slide.

“Nothing… yet!”

Donnie got really quiet for a few seconds and during those few seconds, Jon thought about what he had said and felt like biting his own tongue.

“I… Anyway, I was just calling to check if you maybe felt like hooking up tomorrow, but… if you’re busy…”

Jon took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. Jesus Christ, he was a grown man, why did life have to be so god damned complicated?

“I’ve got nothing planned! Why, what were you thinking?”

“Just… you know… hang out! Eat, have a drink… just… hang out! Like we used to! Damnit, Jon, we… we haven’t done that in weeks!”

“Well, we are adults now, responsible… At least one of us, at least…

“Come on, Jonny…”

Like he could say no to Donnie. When had he ever been able to say no to that man?

“Sure!”

“Really?” He could literally hear the excitement in Donnie’s voice and it warmed every cell in his body.

”Yeah, why not? I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok! Yes! Awesome! It’s gonna be a fucking blast, I can just feel it. You have a good evening, Jon, ok?”

When he’d finished his call, and put his cellphone back in his pocket, Jon sighed and shook his head slightly. When would he ever learn to behave around Donnie? Why was it so impossible for him to say no to that man? And why was he thinking about that when he had a date with Harley in just a few hours?

Fucking Donnie!

\--------------------------------------------------------

”But it wasn’t supposed to be funny, it was supposed to be dramatic!”

“Dramatic? When the entire theatre was laughing their asses off?”

“They just don’t understand drama, that’s all!”

“When you go out to see a drama”, Jon explained, as he closed the door and locked it, “you expect it to actually be dramatic!”

“There was a lot of drama!” Harley protested.

“When?” Jon wanted to know, actually curious, as he hung up his jacket. He really wanted to know, because there was nothing remotely dramatic about the movie they had just seen, and the parts of the movie that were supposed to draw tears from the audience, had made every single person laugh until there actually were tears in their eyes.

“During the end credits!” Harley smirked and kicked off his shoes, knowing that Jon didn’t want him walking around inside with his shoes on when he had spent the entire afternoon cleaning.

“Very funny!” Jon muttered, even though the corner of his mouth threatened to turn into a smile at any second. Harley sighed and checked the hall mirror to fix his hair.

“I can’t help it if I have a more sophisticated look on things than… certain people I know!”

“Sophisticated?” Jon raised an eyebrow. ”I see, is that what they are calling it these days?”

“Ooh, below the belt! Very funny, coming from a guy who’s sense of humor never reaches below the belt!”

“You honestly want me to stay above the belt?”

They didn’t really talk much after that and it wasn’t until next morning, when Jon woke up and realized that Harley was right next to him in bed, that it occurred to him how extremely bad they were at taking things slow. True, they didn’t end up in bed on the first date this time, but… this wasn’t much better, to be perfectly honest.

But he couldn’t deny that it was just what he had needed. Harley was really gifted when it came down to pushing the right buttons. Jon wasn’t sure, but for a moment, it had actually felt as though he was floating outside his body, hovering in the ceiling, looking down at himself. Harley had simply made him fly.

That was definitely something that he could get used to.

But eventually, he had to make himself look at the alarm clock on the bedside table. A quarter past six in the morning. He usually got up at five past six. He disentangled himself from Harley’s embrace and snuck out into the bathroom to start his morning routines. Looking in the mirror, he had to admit that he looked both better and brighter than he usually did in the morning, but that could have something to do with the fact that he’d gotten laid last night.

That last part made him smile at his reflection. You deserved that! He thought to himself. You needed that!

He snuck out into the kitchen to make breakfast. Harley didn’t have to be at work for another two hours, so Jon didn’t wake him up, but if he was going to have to survive a Friday with a bunch of hormone crazed teenagers, he needed nourishment. No one could tell him that being a teacher was easy, but he wouldn’t change it for anything in the world He loved his job! No one that knew him could really understand that part, but no one that knew him had been particularly good students, either. Jon loved school! He’d loved his teachers! Kids had called him everything from suck-up to teacher’s pet, and he had been valedictorian at graduation.

No one that knew him had been all that surprised when he told them what he wanted to do for a living.

Before he left for work, he snuck back into the bedroom and gave Harley a kiss on his forehead. Harley moved around a bit, but didn’t wake up. Jon supposed that he would have to wait until lunchtime to tell Harley that they were going out with Donnie that night.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“How could you do this to me?”

“Jonny, please…”

“You’re a monster, Donnie! A monster! And you let me walk around, thinking that… You never said anything! Whay didn’t you say something? You knew I didn’t remember anything! You’re supposed to be my best friend, Donnie, how could you keep something like this from me?

“I only did what I thought was best, Jon, I never meant to hurt you!”

“Hurt me? This is a little more than that, Donnie! We slept together! We had sex, damnit, how could you do that to me? I’m not stupid, I know you don’t feel the same way I do! I’ve known you my whole life, I know you’re straight! But I’m not! I’m in love with you, Donnie, did you ever stop to think about what this would do to me?”

“I’m sorry! Please, I… I’ll do anything! Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it! I can’t lose your friendship, Jonny, you’re my best friend in the whole world! Please, please, forgive me!”

“I will never forgive you for this! If you at least had backbone enough to stand for what you’ve done, but instead, you ran, like you always do! Like I’m nothing but a one night stand! And you expect us to be friends again? Forget it! You let me down for the last time!

“Jonathan! Don’t go!

“Fuck you, Donnie!”

Donnie woke up in a cold sweat, looking around in the dark bedroom. That was the sixth time he had that dream and it was driving him crazy. It was as if his subconscious was trying to tell him something, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. All he knew was that it involved Jonathan! But if the dream was trying to make him tell Jon the truth about what happened, it was way off. Cause Donnie couldn’t risk losing Jon! Jon was his bro, his bestest best friend, the only one who understood him. And if the only way for him to keep Jon in his life was to accept the fact that Harley was now Jon’s official boyfriend, then yeah, sure, he could do that. Harley was a good guy, a wonderful person and he worshipped Jon. So no problem!

Besides, it was Monday! Harley was back home! Everything was back to normal! He left yesterday! It was odd, but Donnie discovered that his stomach didn’t hurt as bad as it did before. It was liberating, in a way. His stomach would start to ache, to the point where he would think there was something wrong with him, but it always went away after a while. It was still there, lurking, in some deep, dark corner, but it wasn’t as excruciating as that time when he saw Jon and Harley out on the balcony. That had been really unpleasant, he wasn’t even sure how he got home that night, everything was still a blur. 

But now, things were back to normal! Harley was back home and Donnie could focus on various ways to make it up to his bestest friend. He had twelve so far. And he was ready, willing and able to do whatever he had to do!

\------------------------------------------------------

Jon was still in bed, even though he should have gone up a long time ago. The apartment felt eerily quiet, now that Harley had left. He closed his eyes and remembered clearly what had transpired the day before. How he had woken up to someone touching his face. How he had opened up one sleepy eye and glared questioningly at Harley, who had been sitting against the headboard, looking at him.

“What are you doing?” Jon had asked and Harley had smiled at him, lovingly.

“I’m memorizing your face! All those sleepless night ahead of me… I’ll need something to think about!”

“So you’re memorizing my face? Funny, I would have thought that there were at least two other things that held more interest than that!”

Harley had laughed.

“Oh, I’m getting there! I’m working my way down!”

Jon closed his eyes for a second or two, just enjoying the closeness and the feeling of Harley’s hand caressing his face and then moved down over his neck and onward to the nipples.

He sighed.

“I don’t want you to go!” he said with a pout, without opening his eyes. Harley gave him a light kiss, that somehow grew into quite the make out session. When they stopped for breath, he heard Harley whisper in his ear:

“I don’t want to go!” And a light kiss on his ear, one on his neck, his chin, and back to his lips. “I hate this! But I’ll be back! There’s nothing keeping me from you this time! Monday to Thursday, I’ll be forced to work and sweat for the man, but then, on Friday… I will come! And then you will come… and then we’ll both cum at the same time!”

Jon sighed. These past few days had been like a dream he never wanted to wake up from. Harley had been like a gift from the gods and it hurt to think about him leaving and go back home. If it were up to him, Harley would be with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This was the sort of guy that he wanted to spend the holidays with. Christmas, birthdays… Birthdays!

“Can you take the day off on the 26th?”

“The 26th? That’s a Thursday, right?”

“Yeah, well, it’s Kirsty’s birthday and I want you to go with me to the party!”

“As what? Your date?”

“If you want to, that is!”

Harley looked at him.

“I love you, Jon, you know that! I always have! If we’re gonna do this, I want to do it properly! If I come with you to her party, it will be as your boyfriend, nothing else! I need to know that you really feel the same way I do, because if you don’t, then this… is just a waste of time!”

“I want to be with you, Harley! Only you! I don’t know what else to tell you to make you believe me!”

Somewhere deep inside, he knew, and he knew that Harley had noticed that too, that even though Harley had told Jon, several times now, that he loved him, Jon had never said it back. It seemed as though Harley was thinking the exact same thing, because he was really quiet for a while, as if gathering courage to say something. And then, he took a deep breath.

“You could move in with me!”

Ok, *that* he had not expected to hear. He had expected Harley to say something about the fact that Jon still hadn’t said ‘I love you’ or something to that effect and if they weren’t on the same page, then maybe they should… Wait? Move in together?!

“What?!”

“There are schools all over the country, you know, and you’re a great teacher, they will be all over you like flies on honey. My apartment is big enough for the both of us, until we get one of our own and…”

“Woah, woah, wait a minute! Are you serious? Live together? Harley, this is a huge step, do you think we’re ready for this?”

“Yes, I do! Why not? Come on, Jon, be honest, what’s keeping you here, huh? What is it here that you can’t find anywhere else on this entire planet?”

Donnie! Was Jon’s first thought and he felt ashamed over that, because he knew that Harley was right. His parents were both gone, his brothers and sisters had all families of their own… He could find a new job and if his friends and siblings really cared about him, they could come visit, no matter where he lived… And Donnie… No, he had to move on, sooner or later. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life dreaming about something that would never happen… again. But move in with Harley? Gorgeous, funny, amazing Harley, who wasn’t Donnie! Jon took a deep breath and looked at Harley.

”I know it’s a big decision, and I shouldn’t have brought it up, but I’ve been thinking about it all week, and I really think it could work. You don’t have to answer right now, I just wanted you to know that… if you really wanna try, then… there is a possibility.”

“Yes!”

“Yes?!”

Jon had to laugh at the look on Harley’s face.

“You almost sound disappointed!”

“Well, I was expecting some objections, at least, so that I could use my power of persuasion to convince you, but now…”

“Harley?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Shut up and kiss me!”

“Yes, dear!”

Jon stretched out in bed, loving the memory of yesterday. Him and Harley! Living together! Christ, what had he gotten himself into? He realized that he was smiling to himself and then, he flat out laughed out loud. He was 30 years old. It was definitely time for him to settle down!

He literally bounced out of bed! He had two hours before his first class. That gave him plenty of time to tell his boss and find a good way to tell his students… and an even better way to tell Donnie.


	6. Chapter 6

Donnie was in a glorious mood this Monday when he left work to take the car over to the high school to take out Jon for lunch. There really was no good, valid reason why he was in such a good mood. He just knew that it was a really fine day and Jonny was still his bestest friend in the world and he had found the perfect way to make it all up to him. It wouldn’t be hard at all. They had known each other since they were three. He knew everything there was to know about Jonny and Jonny knew everything there was to know about him. If it weren’t for that teeny, tiny little detail, that Donnie was on his way to start apologizing for, then everything would be as normal. The way it always had been.

And that was why he was whistling to himself as he walked down the hallway to Jon’s classroom. He was a few minutes early, but he didn’t mind waiting. He had shown up in Jon’s class so many times during the years and it had always been…

He slowed down a bit when he heard a bunch of outraged teenagers scream inside the classroom. He took a few steps closer, putting his hand on the door handle to open it up.

“You can’t leave!”

“You’re the best teacher we have!”

“You’ve never given anyone a detention for like… ever!”

“Why are you quitting, anyway?”

Donnie wrinkled his forehead a bit, just as he opened the door. ‘Quit’? What the hell kind of nonsense was this? Why would Jon quit, he loved his job!

”I’m moving away!”

For a few seconds, the whole world seemed to come to a grinding halt. He wasn’t even aware that he had opened the door. He was just staring, at Jonathan. Who saw him. And turned as pale as a ghost.

”What the fuck are you talking about?!”

“Donnie…”

He walked right in, not paying any attention to the 20+ students in the room. He could care less about them. He didn’t see anything but the look of guilt on Jon’s face.

“What… the fuck… are you saying?! What do you mean you’re ‘moving away’?”

“Donnie, I… I’m in the middle of class, if you could just…”

“You’re moving in with Harley, aren’t you? And when were you planning on telling me about this turn of events?”

“I haven’t told anyone yet, Don, I was gonna tell you first, but then…”

“We’ve fucking known each other since we were in fucking diapers, Jonathan! I’m your best friend, you cannot tell me…”

“My best friend?” Jon suddenly asked, and the look on his face turned quickly from guilt to something that Donnie couldn’t really identify. ”How dare you… How *dare* you stand there and call yourself my best friend after what you did to me on my birthday?”

“What…”

“Did you really think that I would forget something like that? That was one hell of a birthday present, though!”

Donnie couldn’t respond to that. He couldn’t breathe! Jon looked at him with a look that was so sad, Donnie’s heart hurt. And the stomach ache was back with a vengeance. Oh, god! Oh, fuck! Oh, motherfucking christ almighty!

”I… You…” ’You got your memory back’ was waiting on the tip of his tongue for a tenth of a second, and then, the words hit home and he saw the look in Jon’s eyes. And he knew!

Jon had known all along! Oh, my fucking god in heaven, he had known all along! Donnie honestly had no idea what to say. His mind was a blank piece of paper. And finally, he managed to stammer:

“Jon… If… If you just let me explain…”

“Donnie… Just leave! Ok? I can’t deal with you right now! And yeah, you’re right! I’m moving in with Harley! He would never do what you did! And do you know why? Harley cares about me! He respects me! He loves me!”

”But you don’t love him!” The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to think them through. Jon stared at him and it looked like he was about to say something really hurtful, and then, he sighed and the look he gave Donnie was enough to give the other man a chill down his spine.

“Fuck you, Donnie!” Jon said in a low voice, turned his back on Donnie and went to sit behind his desk. Donnie was frozen. He literally could not move. It was as if someone had stapled his feet to the floor. This wasn’t happening. He was in such a good mood. And now, all of a sudden, it was getting really hard to breathe. He couldn’t take his eyes from Jon, who stubbornly kept his eyes on the book in front of him.

“Get out of here!” Jon said, sounding more like a sad little boy and something inside Donnie broke into a million tiny pieces. He took a deep breath and turned to leave.

“We’re not done talking about this, Jonathan!”

“Oh, yes we are! I’ve given you so many opportunities to talk and instead…” He sighed heavily. “Thank you for coming, but you can go now!”

Donnie’s insides were boiling, but he didn’t say any more. Instead he left the classroom, slamming the door behind him, not even bothering to glare at the surprised teenagers that ran up and down the hall. He left the school, walking as if trapped inside a thick fog. He wasn’t even aware that he was walking. Everything was on autopilot. He couldn’t even think. All he could see in front of him was the look in Jon’s eyes and it made him shiver. How was this even possible? This wasn’t what was supposed to happen! This wasn’t what he wanted…

Wait a minute! Move away? With Harley?! He came to a halt, just a few feet from his car and felt his breakfast threaten to come back up. Jon moving in with Harley? As inte moving away? Leaving Donnie alone? Just how the hell did he think that was gonna work?

Hell no! No way! Not if he had any say in the matter! Jon was not fucking moving away! He was gonna make damn sure of that! He just had to convince Jonny that all he needed was right here. All his friends, his job, his family, his bestest pal in the whole wide world…

Once again, he saw the look of betrayal and heartbreak in Jon’s eyes and a sharp stab in the chest made him realize that he might not be Jon’s bestest pal in the whole wide world anymore. He might not be anything…

So this was what it felt to lose everything that mattered in life!

\------------------------------------------------

“Daddy…” Beverly said, her hand moving towards his head to give him comfort.

“I fucked it up!” Donnie said, not even speaking to his daughter anymore. “I fucked everything up! I thought I could make it better and… instead I just made it worse!”

“Bev?” Her husband called out from the kitchen to get her attention, but Beverly didn’t feel like leaving her father just yet.

“What?” she asked, her hand now stroking her father’s cheek.

“People are starting to show up, do you want me to…” He left it at that, but Beverly understood. She couldn’t take her eyes of her father.

“Yes, please!” she said, letting the gratitude she felt clearly be heard in those two words. “Tell them we’ll be there as soon as possible!”

“Ok, babe!”

Beverly sighed, wishing, and not for the first time, that there was something she could do to make her father feel better. But experience had shown her that only one thing would work, and she had a feeling that this time would be no different than the others.

“Daddy… Please… Tell me!”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Jon was shaking all over, shaking with rage and shock and he didn’t even notice. He was too busy keeping his breathing in check. His fingers itched after something to throw against the wall to watch it break. But what mattered now was that he didn’t lose face in front of… Oh, god, his students! He was afraid to look up. He knew they were all staring at him and he had no energy at all with which to explain his behavior. It was hard enough to keep the tears from falling. Fuck! God damned fucking asshole Donnie and his… Oh, god, Donnie!

The school bell rang, jolting the entire classroom, almost as if they were waking up from a deep hypnosis. Jon actually jumped and then, he took a deep, trembling breath. Calm, professional, collected… He got this!

“Alright…” he finally said, not looking up. “Go have lunch! Don’t forget that you… you do have a test this Friday, so make sure you study!”

Just using his mouth hurt right now, but he thought he sounded both calm and professional and collected. And then he looked up!

His students still sat in their chairs, staring at him, afraid to move a muscle. Jon tried smiling. He could tell that each and every one of them had at least twenty questions and he had a feeling they weren’t gonna go anywhere until he answered at least half of those questions.

“Alright”, he said, straightening up a bit. “Let’s get this over with! What do you want to know?”

No one said a word. No one dared speak, not that they actually had the opportunity. But after a few seconds of silence, Sarah stretched up her hand. Jon smiled to himself. Of course! Sarah was class president, it made sense that she had the first question.

“Are you staying to the end of the semester?”

Starting with the innocent questions, it was almost adorable, if he weren’t choking on the lump in his throat.

“Of course! Plus, you have my mail and my cell phone, it’s not like I’m moving to the other side of the planet!”

“You might as well be! You’ll be like… 5000 miles away!”

“Who will be our new teacher?”

“I don’t know, really! I only talked to the principal this morning, so I don’t think he’s started looking just yet.”

“Is Harley your boyfriend?”

And there it was! The first question that had absolutely nothing to do with school. He thought about telling a little white lie, for about half a second, but changed his mind. Might as well deal with now that Donnie… Fucking Donnie!! … had been so kind as to throw his ass out of the closet in front of his students. So instead, he nodded!

“You know what? I think Mr Wahlberg is an asshole! If he were really your friend, he would be a bit more supportive, don’t you think?”

Jon had to fight every impuls he had that told him to grin at Michael Sands. That boy had GAY written on his forehead, even though his friends couldn’t see it. But Jon could read it in his eyes. That kid was terrified what would happen once he came out, if his friends would react the way he just saw Donnie react. He needed to hear something positive.

“That wasn’t about me being gay, Mike! Donnie has been my best friend since we were three. He was the first one I told and that was fifteen years ago! No one has been more supportive than Donnie! When I told my parents, he was right there beside me! When I told the kids in my class, he was beside me, ready to mangle the first person who said something degrading. He could care less if I was gay or straight. A real friend... a *true* friend... will stand by you, no matter who you happen to like."

He looked over at John and Nicholas. He knew those three were inseparable and that they did everything together. Mike wouldn’t have any problems when he came out. And, even though he kept that particular detail to himself, he had been out long enough to see the neon sign in Nicholas’ forehead as well. That smile threatened to make another appearance, even though every attempt at a smile was a stab to the heart.

“So what was that all about?”

Jon thought long and hard about what to say. ‘Well, I’ve been in love with Donnie since I was twelve and when I turned 30 a few weeks ago, Donnie got really drunk and got it in his head that he was gonna give me exactly what I had been dreaming about for over fifteen years. And then he took off, without a word, and did everything he could to avoid the topic and act pretty much as though it never happened. So I told him that I didn’t remember anything, to give him an opening, and be honest for once in his life, but that kinda backfired and then Harley showed up, out of the blue, and now I’m moving in with him, and starting a whole new life, away from Donnie’… 

No, probably not!

“Nothing!” he said.

“Didn’t look like nothing!”

Ok, now it was getting a bit too personal.

“I thought you would be starving by now?” he said. The students were squirming a bit ad Jon was positive that he could hear a stomach growling here and there. “Go eat! And for the love of daylight, don’t forget about the test Friday, ok?”

Finally, they started to leave, moving out through the door that Donnie… Fucking Donnie!! … had slammed when he left. When Mike walked past the desk, Jon looked up and winked at him. Mike turned bright red and looked over at John and Nicholas, who were a few steps ahead of him. When he was certain thet they weren’t paying him any attention at the moment, he took a deep breath and whispered:

“How old were you when you…” He turned even more brightly red and Jon smiled at him.

“Fifteen! So you have… three months to… think about things!”

Mike swallowed and shook his head a bit.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Mr K!” he said in a low voice and Jon fought back an impuls to put his hand on the boy’s shoulder.

“It’ll be fine, Michael! You have my email, and my cell phone number! If there is anything you want to know… anything at all… Just give me a call, ok?”

Mike nodded vigorously, his cheeks like overgrown tomatoes, as if he couldn’t believe that he was actually talking to his teacher about what was probably the biggest thing that had ever happened to him.

“Go eat!”

“Ok! Thanks, Mr K!”

“It’s what teachers do, Mike!”

When the classroom was finally empty, he closed the door, locked it, went back to his chair and took a few deep breaths. Good god, his life was a mess! He was moving away! He had made his mind up about that! He would live with Harley, and he would leave his old life and Donnie… He would leave his old life, and Donnie, and everything they had ever said and done together, behind, and move on with his life. Harley was a wonderful man! He was kind, he was funny, he was great in bed, and he was so incredibly gorgeous that it should be illegal. And he loved Jon!

And Jon knew that he would never be able to love Harley the way he loved Donnie. The way he had always loved Donnie. The ways he always would love Donnie!

His vision was getting blurry and he swore over his own weakness.

Fucking Donnie!

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“How could you do this to me?”

“Jonny, please…”

“You’re a monster, Donnie! A monster! You never said a word! Why didn’t you say something? I gave you so many opportunities! You’re supposed to be my best friend, Donnie, how could you treat me like this?

“I only did what I thought was best, Jon, I never meant to hurt you!”

“Hurt me? This is a little more than that, Donnie! We slept together! We had sex, damnit, how could you do that to me? Have you any idea what I’ve been through? I’m not stupid, I know you don’t feel the same way I do! I’ve known you my whole life, I know you’re straight! But that doesn’t change the fact that you were horny as hell that night! You can’t blame the alcohol forever, Donnie, you made the first move and you know it! I’m in love with you, Donnie, did you ever stop to think about what this would do to me?”

“I’m sorry! Please, I… I’ll do anything! Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it! I can’t lose your friendship, Jonny, you’re my best friend in the whole world! Please, please, forgive me!”

“I will never forgive you for this! If you at least had backbone enough to stand for what you’ve done, but instead, you ran, like you always do! Like I’m nothing but a one night stand! Like you could just forget that it happened. Like you could ignore the fact that you had your hand around my cock! Like what we did meant nothing to you! Like I meant nothing to you! You said my name, Donnie! You said my name when you came, over and over again. You came, Donnie, remember that? All over my naked chest, remember? I had my hand around your cock and you said my name when you shot all over me! Don’t you fucking dare tell me that you forgot about that! And you expect us to be friends again? Forget it! You let me down for the last time!

“Jonathan! Don’t go!

“You’re not listening, Donnie! There is nothing left for me here! You made sure of that! I’m moving away, Donnie, I’m moving in with Harley, and there is nothing you can do about that! Harley is a good, decent man who can give me what I need!”

“So can I!”

“I’m not talking about love, Donnie, I’m talking about sex! And I know you love me, but you’re not so hot on the idea of having sex with me… again! Just let me go, ok? Let go of me!”

“Not yet! We’re not done talking about this, Jonathan!”

“Yes, we are! I’m done talking about this!”

“Fine! Then, let’s stop talking!”

Donnie awoke with a jerk, just after his dream-self had wrapped his arms around Jon and pulled him closer to kiss him. Ok… that was new! He’d never had *that* dream before? It had started out like it always did, and then… it spun out of control! What the hell did that mean? And what in the world… He looked down, in disbelief when he saw his very prominent erection try to work its way out of his shorts. Where the hell did that come from?

“Go back to sleep!” he admonished and realized just how ridiculous it sounded. He must have thought about something else before that dream woke him up. He was being stupid, it was just a typical, normal run-of-the-mill morning wood, nothing else. Didn’t mean anything! It would go away soon and he could focus on work and absolutely not what Jon had said in his dream about moving away. Because that’s all it was! Just a dream! Just a nightmare to freak him out! He would do best to just forget about it!

When his cell rang an hour or so later, he still hadn’t moved from his comfy bed. His legs simply would not cooperate with him. So he stretched out an arm, grabbed his cell and laid back down against the soft pillows.

Kirsty! Of course! What emergency did she want to blame on him this time?

“What do you want?” he asked.

“No ‘Good morning, Kirs’? No ‘How do you do’? No ‘Sorry I haven’t been to work in a week’?”

“I’m not in the mood, Kirs, I’ve had a rough night! I think I might be coming down with something! So what the fuck do you want?”

“Oh, I just wanted to be the first one to tell you the good news!”

Strange, she said ‘good news’, but she sounded more… like gloating. Donnie wrinkled his forehead a bit.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jonny is moving in with Harley! They are going to live together! Isn’t that wonderful news?”

Donnie felt cold shivers down his spine, turning his blood into ice. But… it wasn’t true! It was just a dream! It never happened!

”He called me up last night and told me! Oh, and he also told me that he was bringing Harley to my birthday party! Won’t that be fun?”

She didn’t sound like she thought it would be fun! It sounded like she was trying to whip him bloody, every word she used was a whip that she wanted to inflict as much harm as possible with. Donnie realized that he couldn’t breathe.

“He’s getting a new job and they are going to spend the rest of their lives together. Isn’t that romantic?”

To him, it sounded as though she spat out that last word. But he could say anything. He kept trying to breathe. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that it felt as though it would explode and it wasn’t until that very moment that he realized that his was shivering like a wounded animal… no, those weren’t shivers… That was sobbing! Who the fuck was sitting in his bed sobbing like that when he was trying to talk on the phone?

Oh! Right! It was himself!

”I guess he already told you, but I hope he hadn’t, because I really wanted to be the one to ruin your day! So, how does it feel?”

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but couldn’t reply. Instead, he cut her off, slamming the cellphone into the wall where it shattered in a million tiny pieces. And then, he wrapped his arms around himself and laid back down on the left side of the bed, curled up like a child. What was happening to him? (Jon is leaving!) Was he becoming sick? (God, Jon is leaving me!) What if he was dying?! (He’s leaving me!) Then what? If he was dying and Jon was leaving him… He felt a stab in his gut as if someone had actually thrust a knife in his stomach and he groaned in pain.

No way was he going to work today! He couldn’t even get out of bed! He stretched out his arm for his cell, to call in sick, and then, he remembered that it was on the floor in a million pieces.

Fuck it! They would notice if he didn’t show up for work and they would probably come find him. When he didn’t pick up his phone, someone would come, probably Marcus or Kirsty, to make sure he was ok. He started shaking and hoped that he would actually be alive by the time they got to him.

“Jonny”, he gasped, thinking as hard as he possibly could about his best friend in the world. “Jonny, please… Help me!”

\-----------------------------------------------

Jon was making bacon for breakfast, when he suddenly felt an excruciating pain in his abdomen. It felt as if someone was trying to take out his guts using nothing but a dull knife and he went down on his knees, moaning. What in the world? His heart was pounding as if he’d been running a Marathon for two days straight and his forehead was throbbing. It was getting hard to breathe. What the hell was happening to him? Was he coming down with something? He had never had a stomach ache that felt like this before. The pain was almost unbearable. He sought blindly after something to hold on to and grabbed a hold of the leg to one of the chairs. He held on like it was a lifeline and tried standing up, but ended up on the floor, curled up like a child, arms around his stomach, sweat pouring down his face. He had a big lump in his throat, the size of a beach ball, and his pulse was racing until he was convinced that he had just seen his last sunrise.

He was getting really freaked out. He forced himself up in a sitting position, and, leaning against the cool refrigerator, he got his phone up and called in sick. Then he stretched up to turn of the stove, and crawled his way back to the bedroom. He recognized the symptoms. But he hadn’t had a panic attack in ten years. So why now?

He laid down on the right side of the bed, and pulled the covers all the way up to his chin. He was still shaking all over and by now, he was really scared that something was wrong. Like really, really wrong! As always, when something was wrong, when he really needed someone to talk to, his first, instinctive gut-feeling was to somehow get a hold of Donnie. And he didn’t even care about their current situation. He just needed to hear Donnie’s voice. Holding on to the cell almost desperately, he pressed the speed dial button for Donnie’s cell… and almost cried in disappointment when it got straight to voicemail.

Jon put down the phone and curled up in a fetal position on the bed, closing his eyes.

“Donnie” he whispered, thinking as hard as he possibly could about his best friend in the world. “Donnie, please… Help me!”

\-------------------------------------------------

It happened simultaneously. Two apartments in two different parts of town. Two men, two beds. In the exact same moment they both turned, facing the other, empty side of the bed. They stayed like that, until the shivers had subsided, just staring. Not one of them would ever, not even under medieval torture, admit that they saw something that morning, but they saw each other! They were in separate apartments, in separate beds, staring into each other’s eyes. Had either one of them dared, they would have stretched out their hand to touch the other one. They were both thinking the exact same thing: ‘Relax! I’m here! You’re safe now!’

They stayed like that, looking at each other, until their hearts stopped running a mile a minute. It was over in a minute, possibly two, but it felt like an eternity, and when they both, blinking, unwilling to admit that something like that could actually happen, laid on their backs, at exactly the same time, the pain and the headache and the fear was gone, as if by magic.

It was impossible, of course! Something like that aren’t supposed to happen! But in that moment, in two different apartments, it did happen.

Jon looked up, and then closed his eyes. He slept like a baby within seconds, not even aware of the smile on his lips.

Donnie took a deep breath. And then another. And then another! And then he closed his eyes and fell asleep within seconds, hardly aware of the smile on his lips.


	7. Chapter 7

Donnie felt like a new man when he stepped into the shower a few hours later. He had slept, a deep, dreamless sleep, and he was in a glorious mood. Whatever it was that had spooked him before, it was gone now. He felt better than he had in weeks and he felt like whistling to himself when he turned on the shower. He waited four seconds for the water to become warm enough and then he got in, actually moaning with pleasure. He closed his eyes. This was exactly what he needed. He could just stand there all day, just let the water run down his naked body.

Someone was kissing his neck and he bent his head down a bit to give better access. Two arms circled around his waist and he placed his arms on top of them, giving them a squeeze. And then he turned and pulled Jon close for a loving embrace.

“I had a dream about you!”

“Oh, yeah? What did I do?”

“You saved my life!”

Jon laughed and the vibrations made Donnie’s heart beat faster. This was how it was supposed to be!

“So that’s… what, the third time I save your life?”

“Fourth!” Donnie pointed out with a smile and Jon looked up and smiled back. “You’re forgetting that time in junior high! I would have gotten kicked out if it hadn’t been for you!”

“That one doesn’t count! That was only fair! You would have done the same for me!”

And then they stopped talking!

Jon’s lips were wet and sweet against his and he tasted like coffee and bacon and Jonathan. Donnie liked it and opened up Jon’s lips a bit to see if his tongue tasted the same. It did and Donnie held on to Jon as hard as he could, to keep him from disappearing. Jon pulled away a bit and smiled gently at him.

“Donnie, relax! I’m not going anywhere!”

“Promise?”

“Where would I go? I have everything I need right here!”

Donnie closed his eyes once more as he felt Jon’s hand around his cock and he made a little sound that was half sigh, half moan. Jon kissed his neck and moved down towards his nipples, biting one and pinching the other, all the while jerking Donnie’s hard cock with expert movements. Donnie opened his eyes the very moment that Jon went down on his knees in front of him and when Jon looked up, there was nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. Donnie nodded slowly, and then had to lean back against the cold tiles when Jon’s lips were wrapped around his cock. Donnie moaned and buried his hands in Jon’s wet hair, to keep himself from falling over. He looked down at Jon, giving him the most incredible blow job, until the vision of the warm, wet mouth on his cock became too much for him and he closed his eyes again.

“Jon”, he whispered, and it sounded like a prayer. Jon’s hands were all over his body, touching him, caressing him, not stopping for a second and Donnie knew that any minute now, he would erupt in a humungous orgasm and Jon would swallow him up. 

Jon loved him! Jon wasn’t going anywhere! Jon was staying right here!

He cried out as he came, flung his head back and hit the wall behind him, waking him up from his fantasy. It wasn’t until he had taken a few deep breaths to calm down and turn of the ice cold water, that he realized what had just happened. He took another deep breath and stepped out of the shower, his legs still trembling and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror.

What the hell was that?

“What are you doing?” he asked his reflection, but got no answer. And here he’d been thinking that the dream was alarming. This was something entirely different. Not jerking off in the shower, he’d done that lots of times, but he had never even thought about… Ok, first things first! He was clearly upset that Jon was leaving! And yeah, sure, Harley was a great guy and he worshipped Jon…

But Donnie hated him!

It was as simple as that! He had never been too overly fond of Harley. He was just a little too much of everything. A little too good, a little too smart, a little too gay, a little too much in love with Jon… It just got to a point where it got a bit… too much!

And he couldn’t really deny that fact that Jon, somehow, by some weird freak of nature, had suddenly become irrestistable. That was something he had never anticipated. He wasn’t gay! He knew that for sure! But for some reason, that didn’t seem to include Jonathan Knight, for some reason. He really had been insanely horny that night, turned on in every way possible, drunk or not. The dream he’d had clearly indicated that there was something there… and now the thing in the shower. That was a whole lot of loose ends, but he still knew with absolute certainty that he was not gay!

He had gone with Jon to gay clubs lots of times, just because he was that kind of bro and he liked seeing Jon have a good time, plus he had been there to play the jealous boyfriend incase Jon needed his assistance. And there had been lots of guys over the years that he assumed people would call attractive. But he had never felt anything. Not a single twitch! But there had been some serious twitching that night with Jonny. And now the shower! So what did that mean?

He loved Jon! He knew that! He would give his life for the guy, would gladly take a bullet or donate both kidneys for him, but in love with him?

Of course not! This was just a reaction to Jonny moving away, that’s all! Nothing else! He was upset that his best friend in the world was leaving him.

He sighed and his reflection stared back at him, incredulously, as if saying ‘Just who are you trying to kid? Just accept it! You might not be gay, but you are sure as hell in love with Jonny, whether you like it or not! And the sooner you accept that, the better you will feel!’

Donnie glared at his reflection, but the reflection just glared right back at him. Of course he wasn’t *in* love with Jon. He just hadn’t gotten laid in a while. He just needed to go out, pick up some pretty little thing and take her back home for a ride. That way, all those stupid thoughts and fantasies and dreams and questions and tummy aches and doubts would just go away.

Yeah, that sounded like a brilliant plan!

\--------------------------------------------------------

Jon was in a great mood when he stepped into the shower. He didn’t have to hurry, because he had already called in sick, so decided to simply enjoy his day off. He waited four seconds for the water to become warm enough and then, he got in, closing his eyes as the water cascaded down over him. He closed his eyes. This was exactly what he needed. He could just stand there all day and just let the water wash away all his troubles.

Someone was kissing his neck and he leaned his head forward a bit to give better access. Two arms circled around his waist and he placed his arms on top of them, giving them a squeeze. And then he turned and pulled Donnie close for a loving embrace.

“I saw you! You saved my life!”

“You saved mine!”

“Fuck… Donnie, I love you so much!”

“I love you, Jon! You know I do!”

“Again!”

“I love you!”

And then, they stopped talking! Jon pressed himself against Donnie, holding on to him like a lifeline. For a brief moment of panic, he was worried that Donnie was going to disappear from his life forever if he let go. Donnie pulled away a bit and smiled at him.

“Relax, Jonny, I’m not going anywhere!”

“Promise?”

“Where would I go? I have everything I need right here!”

Donnie’s kiss was hard and demanding, and Jon reciprocated with everything he had. He wrapped his arms around Donnie’s neck and moaned his name. This was what he had been waiting for. He closed his eyes and hissed as he felt Donnie’s hands on his ass. Shit, he had no idea you could actually become so aroused that it actually hurt, but he was right now. Donnie’s hard cock was pressing up against his leg, wanting attention. Jon managed to get one of his hands down there, without letting go of Donnie’s neck, and started jerking him off. Nothing he hadn’t done before, but it felt like the whole fucking world was spinning out of control, because it was Donnie! And there was a new kind of eagerness to Donnie this time, that wasn’t there before. He seemed to know exactly what he wanted and Jon’s legs threatened to give out from under him when he understood what Donnie wanted from him.

It was with a smile that he took a step back and turned his back on Donnie, his hands against the wall for support. Water was running down his hair and his face, in to his eyes, his ears and his mouth, and he didn’t care. It didn’t matter! Nothing mattered but the feeling of Donnie pushing himself inside Jon, his lips against Jon’s neck. The world around them stopped spinning and ceased to exist altogether. They could drop a nuke just outside the apartment, and Jon wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. Because he had Donnie! He had Donnie, and Donnie was moving in and out of him and Jon leaned his forehead against the cool tiles and allowed himself to just let go and enjoy it. This was what he needed! This was what he wanted!

And he knew, somewhere deep down, that he would never have it with Harley.

Not when it was Donnie’s name on his lips.

“Donnie”, he whispered and it sounded like a prayer. Donnie was thrusting into him, his hands moving all over his body, touching him, caressing him, slowing down, and then speeding up… Jon knew that it was a matter of seconds, not minutes, before he would cum. With Donnie’s hand jerking him, the feeling of Donnie’s hard cock fucking him… He closed his eyes and pushed himself against Donnie, taking him in deeper.

It didn’t take long. He came shouting, throwing his head back and his legs gave out, causing him to fall to his knees in the shower. And he ended up sitting there for a while, catching his breath.

When he got out, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. It seemed to be laughing at him. ‘Oh, yeah’, it seemed to say, ‘great job putting Donnie behind you!’

He sighed and went to pick up his phone to call Harley. It felt as though he had to do that, if nothing else, then to remind himself just who it was that he was spending the rest of his life with.

This would be better, he knew that! As soon as he left this god forsaken town and didn’t have Donnie around 24/7, forgetting about him would be so much easier.

At least, he hoped it would be!

\---------------------------------------------------------------

It was so easy, it was almost pathetic. Donnie wanted to laugh at the entire situation. He had barely been standing by the bar for five minutes, before hooking up. On the one hand, it was good to know that he hadn’t lost his touch. On the other hand, he had a feeling that the lady by his side would probably have followed just about anyone who bought her a drink and told her she looked pretty. He chose to ignore that particular detail and took her home. They took a seat in the couch and Donnie chose a semi raunchy movie to get her juices flowing a bit. The only problem, he realized after a while, was that he wasn’t feeling anything. No arousal! He watched the movie, where the pretty waitress was seduced by the hero, and ok, yeah, there was a twitch, but that was it.

The young woman by his side, however, seemed to appreciate everything a great deal. She watched the movie with keen interest and her legs kept slipping further and further apart.

“Fuck, she is so hot”, she eventually said, making Donnie raise a questionable eyebrow at her. Sure, he had been convinced, basically all his life, that every woman on earth was bisexual, with the exception of Kirsty, because he really did not want to think about her in any way, shape or form that involved sex, but to be honest, he hadn’t expected to hear those words coming out of this woman’s mouth. He looked over at the woman in the movie again. Yeah, she was a hottie!

“Are you serious?” he asked, actually interested in what she had to say. She didn’t even look at him.

“Of course! There are women out there that are so fucking hot that both men and women wants to fuck them silly! Just look at Angelina Jolie! Or Charlize Theron!”

He opened his mouth without even thinking.

“What about the guys?”

“Oh, totally! Just look at Johnny Depp, for crying out loud! George Clooney! So hot that even the straightest man wants to fuck their brains out!”

Donnie thought about that for a while, tried to imagine some of the male celebrities he knew, and shuddered. Nope, that was a really bad idea! He couldn’t think of a single male actor that turned him on. Jonny could probably name a whole list! He smiled to himself. Oh, yeah, Jon probably had a personal favorite that got his dick hard and… And just like that, a memory flash by his brain. The one he had kept hidden in a dark corner of his mind ever since that night. That night that they spent in each other’s arms. The memory of a naked Jon, with all the love in the world shining through his eyes, laying beneath him on the couch, hissing like a snake as Donnie jerked his hard dick.

He never really knew how it happened, but all of a sudden, they were in his bedroom, on the bed and he was doing her doggy style. She seemed to really appreciate his aggressiveness and tried encouraging him with one demand after the other.

“Yes! Yes! Do me! Fuck me! Ram that cock into my wet pussy! Fuck me hard! Harder!”

Eventually, he just put his hand over her mouth and hissed:

“Shut the fuck up!”

And kept on going.

He kept his eyes closed and then, his brain conjured up an image of Jon again. Ok, that actually improved things, he felt a lot less on edge and allowed himself to relax a bit. He focused all of his energy on that image, held on to it as hard as he could, and suddenly, it wasn’t some blond tramp from the bar that he was thrusting into… It was Jon! He moaned out loud and came hard, the image of Jon seared into his mind as he emptied himself.

The woman, whose name he still didn’t know, seemed pleased with their workout and even asked if Donnie wanted to hook up again some other time. Donnie pulled a classic, saying ‘Sure, I’ll give you a call’, knowing full well that he was never going to call her, ever again.

She kissed him before she left, leaving him alone on a bed that reeked of sex. Odd. He got what he wanted. So why did he feel even worse? He shrugged and tried locating his underwear. This day really sucked. It had started off wrong and it just kept on going. He had a feeling it would get even more wrong.

Why did everything have to be so damn difficult? Why not just admit to himself that… No! There was nothing to admit. He was just having an off day, that’s all!

\---------------------------------------------

Jon woke up in the middle of the night by the sound of his cell ringing. At least, he thought that’s what it was. His brain wasn’t fully awake yet, so he reached out for his phone, not moving his head from the soft pillow, placed the cell next to his ear and got out a:

“mhm?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it, Jonny!”

Donnie! Jon yawned. What time was it? He was too tired to check. He refused to even open his eyes.

“Donnie…” he mumbled sleepily, “ ‘m sleepin’…”

“I can’t sleep! I just…. I can’t stop thinking about it! I keep seeing it in my head, over and over!”

Jon was already falling back asleep.

“…what…?” he asked, mumbling, dozing off.

“That night! You and me! On the couch! Together… Your hands on my cock… God, Jonny, I was so fucking hot for you right then, you have *no* idea…. Still am, you know!”

“…mhm…” Jon mumbled with a sleepy smile, and the hand that wasn’t tucked in under his head, started slowly moving down towards his groin.

“It was so fucking hot, seeing you like that… I don’t know what came over me that night, I just knew that I had to have you… Shit… there was so many things we could have done that night, Jonny… so many things I could have done to you… could have sucked you off… You’d like that, wouldn’t you? For me to take your cock in my mouth and suck you off…until you screamed… You would scream my name, wouldn’t you?”

“…mhm…” was about all that Jon could say, half asleep, slowly stroking his cock. It was obvious to his sleepy brain that it was just a dream, and he decided to see where this particular dream would take him.

“I thought I would fucking cum the second you touched me… When I felt your hand on my cock, I fucking thought that was it, right then and there… I…”

A few seconds of silence. There was some strange heavy breathing in the background, but Jon’s sleeping brain filed it away under ‘Not Important Right Now’.

“I had to force myself not to cum, did you know that? Huh? I didn’t… I didn’t want it to end so fast! I didn’t wanna cum before you did, it wouldn’t be fair! I wanted to… see you cum, that was the moment for me! To see your face! To hear your voice… hear you say my name… say my name, Jonny…”

“…mmm… Don…nie…” Jon managed, still caught on the very edges on dreamland, and his hand moved over his organ faster and faster. He loved this dream, it was turning into one of his favorite fantasies… listening to Donnie’s seductive bedroom voice, hearing him describe what he wanted to do… Not a lot that could beat that!

“Only it wouldn’t stop there, would it? You wouldn’t… oh, fuck… You wouldn’t settle for a simple blowjob, would you? You want more, don’tcha? You want everything you didn’t get that night! You want me… to push inside your tight… hot ass… and just… just… fuck you until you pass out… don’tcha?”

Jon was gasping, lost in this wonderful dream of his. That fucking Donnie, he knew exactly what to say to turn people on. That voice should be classified as a lethal weapon.

“Donnie… please…”

“I’d do it, you know! I’d do anything for you, Jonny! Fuck, I’m so fucking hard right now… Just for you! It’s fucking pathetic, me here, all alone, jerking my cock, when I could be right there… with you… fucking your sweet ass, but… it just feels so good, because… I’m thinking about you and… and I’m so fucking hard, Jonny, just thinking about you is making me hard these days… Fuck… I’d fucking throw you down on the bed and just make you mine. I’d fuck you so hard… until everything just… vanished and there was just you… and me… and our love!”

Ok, Jon was convinced now! This was what is felt like to die! Sweet torture that would be the death of him. And he welcomed it with open arms!

“I want you, Jon! Every part of you! I want you here… with me… so that I can feel your skin against mine again… move… inside you… over and over until… until we both cum screaming and wake up the neighbors. Over and over, Jonny! All night!

Jon was definitely dying! He was so close that it would have been laughable if he wasn’t so fucking horny. He moaned Donnie’s name over and over.

”Donnie… say it... Say it, please…” He knew that Donnie would. He always did! Every fantasy he’d ever had, every dream ever since he came out, every thought that somehow involved Donnie always ended the same way. Because in his dreams and fantasies, Jon knew that Donnie meant it.

It got really quiet for about two heartbeats. Jon was moving his hand over his erection, waiting for the moment where he would be allowed release.

“Jonathan… I love you!”

Jon erupted with a long ‘ooh’ and plainly heard Donnie follow just a few seconds later, his name was gasped into his ear as he greedily listened to Donnie’s climax.

Completely relaxed, Jon gave a big yawn and Donnie gave a chuckle in his ear.

“Go back to sleep, lover! I’ll call you tomorrow!” It was Donnie’s voice, so soft and so affectionate, but it sounded so far away. He nodded, not even realizing that there was no way for Donnie to see that, and yawned again.

“…mmm… k…”

He was fast asleep not 30 seconds later, his cellphone next to his head.

\-----------------------------------

Donnie looked at his shiny new cellphone as he wiped the sweat from his face. Ok, that was probably the stupidest thing he had ever done, in his life. But that didn’t explain why he felt so… good! If he’d had brainwaves, he probably would have been able to figure out a whole list of reasons as to why that was the stupidest thing he had ever done, in his life, but his brain was on a timeout after his ejaculation, and it flat out refused to assist in any way at the moment. He realized that he was still grinning like a fool, and that for the life of him, he could not stop.

It had ben pure impulse! He had woken up, after yet another, explicitly detailed dream involving him and Jonny, and the cellphone he’d bought just ten hours earlier was in his hand before he really knew why. He had gotten himself a brand new, really cool cell this time, with a new number and everything, and dialing Jonny’s cell had been too easy. He called, not really knowing why, which a hard-on you could use as a jackhammer. And when Jon answered, and it was blatantly obvious that he had no idea he was even talking, well, Donnie couldn’t keep his mouth shut any longer. He just had to tell Jon about his dreams, his questions… And then, things just kinda… escalated from there.

If Jon called him up in the morning, asking what the hell he was doing… Donnie sighed. Well, then he would tell the truth. They couldn’t go on like this! Not when they had the opportunity of a lifetime right in front of them. And Donnie was going to make sure that they didn’t lose it. Jonathan deserved the best! And that was not moving in with Harley! He would never be happy, unless he could spend the rest of his life with someone who loved him, who respected him, who could give him everything he needed, who would die for him.

Someone like Donnie Wahlberg!

And he had the most perfect opportunity coming up! Kirsty’s birthday! It was only a few days away. And he was going to make damn sure that everything went the way it was supposed to! Everything they couldn’t say, or do, on Jon’s birthday, they were going to do on Kirsty’s birthday! It would also be a really sweet present for that stuck up bitch.

It was brilliant!

Donnie loved birthdays!


	8. Chapter 8

Donnie hated birthdays!

Usually, he loved them! The festivities, the cake, the presents, the happy faces…

This time, he hated it, more passionately than anything he had ever hated anything before. This time was festive at all, the cream on the cake tasted sour, the presents were boring and every smile he saw seemed fake. The music was wrong, the food was wrong, and he couldn’t even bring himself to enjoy the expensive brandy that Marcus had brought for the party. Not when the birthday girl took one look at him and then the glass in his hand and then back to him with eyes that were burning with a challenge. ‘Go ahead!’ they seemed to say. ‘Try it, see what happens!’ He didn’t want to see what would happen! He didn’t want to see at all!

Because right in the middle of the living room floor was Jon and Harley, arms around each other, slow dancing. And Donnie absolutely hated Harley! Almost as much as he hated this birthday party. Maybe even more!

If he could get one wish, if it had been his birthday, instead of… her… it was that the last weeks had never happened. If he could turn back the clock, he would! He would go back to that night, in Jon’s apartment, right to that moment when everything changed between them… and he would do the exact same thing all over again. And more! He wouldn’t rest until he had made Jon Knight cry out Donnie’s name in ecstasy. In truth, there was only one thing he would do differently! He never would have left! He would have stayed there, on the couch, with Jon, in the arms of the only person who had ever made him feel completely safe.

And that person was currently in the arms of another, his head against Harley’s shoulder, a silly, sappy smile on his face. And Donnie’s insides were boiling as he saw them together. There had to be something he could do. He couldn’t just stand by and watch as that pathetic pussyboy brainwashed Jonny. His bestest best pal ever, who deserved so much more than Harley. Especially since Donnie knew that Jon didn’t love Harley. He couldn’t! Not when he had been in love with Donnie since he was fifteen!

And that was exactly what he had to use to his advantage. Jonny had to know that Donnie felt the same way. He’d never go ahead with all this moving away bullshit if he knew that Donnie felt the same way about him.

It had snuck up on him so suddenly, that he hadn’t even noticed at first. And once he did notice, he’d done his best to deny it, as violently as he could. Resulting in sleepless nights, bad dreams on the nights he did sleep, and then really, really hot dreams to torment him during every waking hour of the day… And he just couldn’t deny it anymore! He knew that now! He could continue denying in until his hair turned grey, but the truth was that he simply, somehow along the way, had fallen in love with his best friend. He had always loved Jonny, that was no secret, but this was a whole lot bigger than that. Because this was more than love between best friends or even between brothers. This was the kind of love you felt for the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

Now, all he had to do was to get Jonny alone for a minute, so that he could tell him… could tell… Donnie sat up straight, staring like a wild man at the scene in front of him. He hadn’t been drinking, not a single drop, but he had to be hallucinating. No! That wasn’t real, he wasn’t seeing this! What the fuck was that fucking pussyboy doing with that ring? Why was he holding up a ring to Jon? Was Harley actually standing there, giving Jon a ring? A fucking RING?! As in… A *ring*?! Smoke started coming out through his ears. No! Hell to the no! No fucking way, Jonny, don’t do this, don’t fucking do this, what he hell, Jonny, what are you doing…

And in that precise moment, Jon looked up, turned his head and their eyes met. As if Jon had actually heard him!

Donnie was moving before he even had a plan. Someone said something to him, but he couldn’t hear what they were saying or even who it was. He had one thing in his mind, and that was to rescue Jonathan from making the biggest mistake of his life. As soon as he reached them, he grabbed a hold of Jon’s hand and without even so much as a look at Harley, he dragged Jon out of the apartment, down the stairs and into the basement where he slammed the door shut behind him, staring at Jon with eyes as black as midnight. If their lives had been a horror movie, people would have accused him of being possessed by a demon, and that was exactly how it felt.

“What the hell are you doing?!”

Donnie couldn’t even respond to that. He was staring at Jon’s hand. On his ring finger! On the ring!!

“So… What? Now, you’re marrying him?! What’s next, huh? Puppy? Kids? What the fuck, Jonny, this isn’t you!”

”And what the hell would you know about that? I thought you were the one who told me I should settle down. I thought you were the one you said that Harley was amazing and I made a huge mistake when I broke up with him. That I was gonna wake up one day, 80 years old, all alone!”

“You can’t place any value on what I said back then, I was wasted!”

“Oh, yeah?” Jon’s glare turned icy and Donnie suddenly regretted ever opening his mouth. “Too wasted to know what you were saying? Were you too wasted to know what you were doing, too? Because your hands sure seemed to know what they were doing!”

“Jonny…”

“I guess I have myself to blame! I never should have told you! I should have known right from the start that this would happen.”

“Jon, you can’t marry him!”

“I’m not! It’s just a promise-ring… so far!”

“Ok, so you’re telling me that after fifteen years of being in love with the same dude, you jump up and move on, after just a few weeks? Just like that?”

“Donnie… Don’t push me, I’m warning you!”

“Is he that good, huh? Is he such a good fuck that you can look me in the eye and tell me that you’re not thinking about me the whole time he’s fucking you?”

He was so surprised when Jon hit him, that he didn’t even react at first. And then, his cheek started stinging and burning and on instinct, his hand moved up to protect it. He stared incredulously at Jon.

“Fuck you, Donnie!”

Jon turned, ripped the door open and practically ran up the stairs to Kirsty’s apartment. Not two minutes later, Donnie heard two pairs of shoes moving down and Harley’s voice asking, over and over, what had happened and if Jon was ok and what Donnie had said. Jon wasn’t answering and Donnie sank down on an empty shelf, his hand pressed against the burning cheek.

Ok, that didn’t go exactly how he had planned it. He just saw red! He couldn’t think of another explanation for it. As soon as he’d seen that ring, it was as if someone had fired a cannonball right into his gut. It had been hard enough admitting to himself that he was actually in love with Jonny. It wasn’t that he suddenly found other men attractive, it was just that Jon… Jon meant more to him than anything else and he knew now that he couldn’t live without him. Or his lips, that fit so perfectly against his own. Or any other part of Jon’s body, for that matter. Now that he thought about it, there really wasn’t a single hair on that man that Donnie didn’t find attractive.

And now it was all gone!

Or was it? There was no way that they could have ever had a discussion about this with lots of people hanging around… but what if they were alone? Somewhere they wouldn’t get disturbed! How hard could it be? One way, or another, he was going to make Jon see what was right in front of his nose, and his for the taking.

\--------------------------------------

It took him three more days to work up the courage to do something. He’d figured that he had waited long enough. It was Sunday, and it was late in the afternoon, so he knew that Harley had went back home. Which meant that Jon was at home, alone, cleaning up. Donnie stood in front of the hallway mirror, looking at himself. ‘Are you ready for this?’ the reflection asked. ‘After this, there’s no going back! If he shoots you down, it’s over! You will have lost him! Forever! Do you even realize how much is at stake here?’

What he needed now wasn’t a pep-talk, it was courage. Courage to do something that he had never done before. He took a deep breath, straightening up a bit. He could do this! So what that everything that mattered in his life was in the balance? So what that this was bigger than anything he had ever done before? Nothing to get worked up about! He was just going over to his bestest pal Jonny and lay bare his soul for the man. Yeah, nothing to get worked up about, at all!

He took another deep breath!

“Fuck, Donnie, man up! It’s not that hard!”

But he still had butterflies in his stomach when he left the apartment and his hands were shaking the closer he got to Jonathan. He repeated his mantra over and over as he walked up the stairs. ‘Man up! It’s not that hard!’ When he rang the doorbell, he repeated it one last time and actually had the time for a deep, cleansing breath, before the door was opened and Jon was looking at him. They hadn’t said a word to each other since the incident at Kirsty’s birthday party, so Jon’s disbelief at seeing him wasn’t all that strange.

“What do you want?”

Donnie felt himself shrink until he was the size of an ant when Jon glared at him. And then, he straightened up and repeated his mantra to himself: ‘Man up! It’s not that hard!’

“Can I come in?”

“No!”

Ok, that one hurt, but Donnie made the effort to pretend that it didn’t.

“Come on, Jonny, at least give me a chance to apologize?”

“You couldn’t have called?”

“Would you have picked up if you saw it was me calling?”

Jon shrugged, but didn’t say anything and Donnie accepted it for what it was. He tried again, playing on every string he could think of.

“I can’t apologize to you over the phone, Jon, these type of things need to be done face-to-face! Come on, at least let me come inside? Or would you like me to get down on my knees right out here, begging for your forgiveness right in front of Dottie and the others?”

He knew very well that some of Jon’s neighbors, particularly an old bag named Dottie, liked snooping around for gossip, making sure that the whole building knew everything about everyone! And he knew that Jon hated that! Jon sighed and stepped aside to let Donnie enter, and then, he closed the door firmly behind him. Donnie felt a rush of satisfaction. Step one! Time for step two!

”Alright, let’s hear it!”

”Jesus, Jonny, at least let me catch my breath first, ok? I have a lot to apologize for!”

Jon just shook his head and went into the living room. Jon followed and tried really hard to ignore all the moving boxes standing around, on the floor and on the table and on the couch… Donnie’s stomach started hurting again. No! He couldn’t let this happen! Jon couldn’t leave!

”It’s not gonna jump up and bite you, Donnie, it’s just a couch!” Jon said behind him, and his voice sounded tired… and sad. No! Fuck his plan, fuck his mantra, fuck everything!

“You can’t leave, Jon!”

Jon sighed again and walked into the kitchen to continue wrapping classes, which was probably what he had been doing when Donnie showed up. Donnie followed him.

“Are we really having this discussion again? Isn’t it enough that you embarrassed me in front of my students?”

“I find out that you’re leaving me from a bunch of pimple-faced snot-nosed brats, that kinda through me of the loop. What did you expect?”

“Wait a minute… ‘I’m leaving you’? Donnie, please, I’m not doing this for you! I do have a will of my own!”

“Oh, really? I just find it interesting that you’re willing to throw away what we have, just because some cute little thing in tight pants thinks that he can have everything he wants.”

“What WE have?”

“You can’t move in with him, Jonathan! I won’t let you!”

“I’m sorry, won’t LET me?!”

“It’s not fair! Not to him, anyway! Not if you’re doing this because of what happened between us on your birthday. Not if you’re moving in with someone that you’re not in love with!”

“Damnit, Donnie, you have no right to barge in here and start talking like this… I love Harley!”

“I’m sure you do! But you’re in love with me!”

“Yeah, and that’s not a disaster waiting to happen? Oh, wait, it did happen already! I wish I never said anything!”

“Bullshit! I’m glad you told me! Jonny, what we have… It’s too big to just throw away and you know that!”

“There it is again! What *we* have! WE have nothing, Donnie! Don’t you see that? Look, I’m sorry things happened the way they did that night but it’s…”

“I’m not!”

Jon got silent for at least seven seconds, and seeing the most glorious window of opportunity, Donnie kept going:

“I’m not sorry it happened! I’ve done a lot of shit in my life, lots of stuff that I deeply regret… the way I treated you at Kirsty’s party is at the top of that list…”

“I should think so! You had no right to just…”

“But I have *no* regrets about what we did on that couch, Jon! How could I? When it was the hottest sex I’ve ever had with anyone! Including Maryanne!”

Interestingly enough, the only thing needed to shut Jon up, was apparently to say something that was so chocking that he lost the ability to speak. Donnie seized the moment to keep going.

“Trust me, it took a LOT of soul searching before I could admit that to myself. I think… well, I was afraid, it’s as simple as that! For what it meant! So I started looking into it. I looked at websites and fuck, have you any idea how much gay porn there is online? Damn! But nothing happened! Not even a twitch! Nada! Niente! So it had to be a mistake, right? At least, that’s what I kept on telling myself! That pain in my gut when I saw you with Harley, that was just indigestion, nothing to worry about! And then… the dreams started!

He paused. Just how much should he tell Jon about the dreams? About the fantasies? The devil on his shoulder snickered with a naughty gleam in his eyes and Donnie nodded to himself, taking one step closer to the stunned Jonathan.

“Very vivid, detailed dreams where we did… things I never even knew existed. And they got more and more… advanced, but they all ended up the same way… We cum, together, with you screaming my name… Have you any idea how hard…” He had to clear his throat suddenly, because it was getting really hot all around him. “How hard it is to focus on the job, when in my head, we’re in bed together, or the shower or the kitchen or the hallway or at your job… Oh, Jon, you have no idea how many times you’ve been bent over that desk in my fantasies…”

Fuck, he was getting seriously turned on right now, just talking about them. He seriously needed to focus on the task at hand!

“Jon, I’ve been with a lot of women in my life… a lot of women… but I’ve never been in love with any one of them! You know that! You know me! Better than anyone! You know more about me than I do! You know that I have never loved anyone… the way that I love you!”

Should he let Jon say something? It looked like he wanted to say something. But Donnie was on a roll now. He had plenty to say and if he didn’t say it now, he might never have the chance again.

“I know what you’re gonna say, Jon, you know you love me, but that you need more, you need someone who respects you, who’s honest with you… You need more than just love, you need sex! Kissing, touching, public displays of affection… I know you, Jonathan! Just as well as you know me! You want to be with someone who is proud of you! Someone who will walk down the street with you, holding hands, telling the world loud and clear that this is meant to be! Someone who would never lie to you or hurt you in any way! Someone who has the guts to be honest to himself about the way he feels about you! And what I’m telling you is that… That someone… is me!”

“Donnie…”

“I love you, Jonathan! I want you! In every way possible! In front of God and everyone, if that’s what you want. But you can’t look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you don’t want that too! You love me, Jon! And I love you! I do! And I am sorry! I’m sorry for not realizing sooner that you were the one that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, and I’m sorry I bailed on you after we had sex… But if you leave me now, if you move in with Harley, even though you’re not in love with him…”

He took a deep breath. Almost done! Man up, it’s not that hard!

“You’re the fucking love of my life, Jonny, what the hell would I ever do without you?”

He had a sudden flashback of asking that question before, on Jon’s birthday, just mere minutes before their whole world got turned upside down. And he remembered Jon smiling at him. ‘You wouldn’t survive a day without me!’ It was the truth. He wouldn’t. Now, all he had to do was wait and hope that Jon didn’t laugh in his face.

It didn’t look like Jon was about to laugh in his face. He looked like he was about to cry.

“You’d say just about anything to get me to stay, wouldn’t you? Have you no idea at all how much it hurts to hear you talk like that?”

“Jon…”

“No, Donnie! It’s not gonna work this time, I’m sorry!”

<3 <3 <3 <3

Beverly watched as her father sank deeper and deeper into the past, no longer speaking to her. Tears ran down both their faces by now, for completely different reasons. It was getting worse, she could see that. In time, he would be lost to all of them, the doctors said that he would not even recognize those closest to him. He had good days and bad days, but it was this day in particular that was always the worst. She felt so powerless, knowing that there was nothing she could do and that pretty soon, her father would look at her, his own darling daughter, and see a stranger.

“Daddy…”

The kids suddenly started shrieking out in the hallway and she heard people talking and laughing. She looked up as someone came into the living room, breathing a sigh of relief. Finally! She waited, with baited breath as the talking and the laughter seemed to vanish and all that was left were the two people she loved the most in this world.

“Oh, look”, Jon said, as he leaned down to press his lips to the top of Donnie’s head, “back when I had hair!”

It was such a beautiful thing to see, the way life just sort of hurried back into her father’s eyes, how he seemed twenty years younger all of a sudden, as he finally, freaking finally, looked up from the picture and into the eyes of his husband.

“Hey, you!” he said, his whole face now just one big smile. Jon gave him a tender kiss.

“Are you done looking at that one?” he asked, leaning down a bit more to flip through the pages until he found their wedding photo. “I like this one better!” he said, with a wink at their daughter, telling her with nothing more than a look that ' I've got this, sweetheart, don't worry'.

“That’s only because you got to see Kirsty trip on her dress!”

“Hell, it wasn’t me who invited her!” Jon said, raising his hands up in defense. “And then this one…” He flipped a few more pages to his favorite, the one where they had just gotten Beverly home from the hospital. She was in Donnie’s arms, who was sitting on the couch, with Jon standing right next to him, his hands on Donnie’s shoulders, much like they were right now. Both of them looking at the tiny little baby like she was the most precious thing in the world. Beverly wiped the tears from her eyes, but new ones threatened to fall. The love between her two fathers was so bright, and still burning.... What would happen when Daddy D got more sick? Would he even recognize his own husband? His children? She decided to not think about that for now, just like she did every year. There would be other days, but today... was about celebration.

“Are you done feeling sorry for yourself now, D? You can’t keep kicking yourself over something that happened 35 years ago! Come on!” He stretched out his hand towards his husband, smiling lovingly at the man he had loved since he was twelve. “Everybody is waiting for us! Can I celebrate one birthday without you moping around?”

“Give me a kiss and I’ll think about it!” Donnie promised as he got up from the couch, took Jon’s hand and together they went out into the garden where the guests waited. Beverly looked at the old family album, pictures of her and her little brother, pictures from birthday parties and from graduation, their whole life together… She looked at the first page. It was a picture of her parents, standing together in front of the big house, looking at the camera with big smiles on their faces. Underneath the photo was written: To our beautiful granddaughter, Maya! Welcome to the family!

Smiling, she closed the album and went out to the others.

<3 <3 <3

Donnie took a step forward, and by now, they were so close that they could see right into each other’s eyes.

“I’m serious, Jonathan! I can’t make sense of it, but… I am so in love with you! I need you! I am not whole, unless I’m with you! And I am so… fucking attracted to you! Don’t you get it? This was always meant to be! We were meant to be together!”

“Donnie, No! I want you to leave now!”

“Jon, don’t do this! We’re not done talking about this, damnit!”

“Oh, yes, we are! I am so done talking about this!”

Something clicked in Donnie’s head as he remembered the dream.

“Fine! Then, let’s stop talking!”

He should have known that it was the right course of action. Actions always spoke louder than words, after all. It all happened in two thirds of a second. Jon took a step back, still disbelieving. Donnie followed, reached out, pulled Jonny closer, held him as hard as he could and kissed him like his life depended on it. And it was so much better than he remembered. Not one of his dreams and fantasies came even close in comparison. How could he ever have let go of this man? He was fucking addictive! He made sure to put his entire soul into that kiss and his heart thumped away like crazy when Jon kissed him back.

And then, just as sudden, it was over and Jon took a few staggering steps backwards, staring at Donnie as if he had never seen him before. And then he shook his head.

“No”, he whispered, almost to himself, “this isn’t happening! This is not happening! This isn’t real!”

Donnie didn’t feel like talking at all anymore, not when there were so many delicious things they could do with their mouths… and their tongues!! He smiled wickedly and came closer again.

“Feels pretty real to me!” he grinned, pulling Jon towards him to kiss him again. Jon looked at him, hope and despair fighting for dominance in his teary eyes.

“Donnie… if you fuck with me, I am going to kill you!”

Donnie gave him a fond smile.

“Jonathan… Stop talking!

And kissed him again.

He could hear a sob and then, Jon’s arms wrapped themselves around Donnie’s neck and held on with everything they had. Donnie would have cheered in victorious joy, if he hadn’t been busy biting Jon’s bottom lip. He wasn’t going anywhere this time! This time, he was going to make damn sure that Jonny passed out from exhaustion after Donnie was finished with him. But for that to happen, they needed to be horizontal. Not necessarily, of course, but their first time should be in the bedroom, not against a kitchen counter.

He took a step back, smiling at the dazed Jonathan.

“Bed!”

Jon stared at him, as if Donnie was speaking some foreign language and Donnie couldn’t help but laugh as he saw the look on Jon’s face. Feeling bold, he took Jon’s hand, pressing it against his groin, to make him feel just how really badly Donnie wanted this. Jon’s eyes became ten times bigger and Donnie had to fight not to start laughing again. His wonderful, beautiful Jonathan! Had any human being ever loved another as much as Donnie loved this man?

“All for you, Jon!” he said, winking. And then he turned, still holding Jon’s hand, and started walking, very determined, towards the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story 20 years ago, with completely different characters. A few weeks ago, I wanted to see if I could somehow turn it into a Donathan love story. I think it worked. You tell me!


End file.
